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February 9th, 2020
5:46 PM
Lately I've been "slamming" my head on my locker, it's comforting. I have the urge to slam my head until I'm not here anymore. We did an S2C today, and it went pretty swell. However, they did trick us. They us to a buffet, let us eat whatever we wanted and then when it was all said and done - they made us run our mile. I threw up and it looked like a damn Jackson Pollock painting. My legs are sore from standing all day. This day is killing me, my tongue's burnt from the hot soup we just had. That's a real awful contrat to the euphoric taste of Mrs. Butterscotch's syrup. It was amazing to have normal food, however what killed me was everyone seemed so laidback and relaxed, but I was having one of the greatest meals of my life - up until throwing it up. It's a real awful thing to make a kid throw up the greatest meal they've ever had. I would really love to slam my head against something till I wasn't here anymore.
February 11th, 2020
9:34 AM
Right now I'm in class, they're playing Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club. The Beatles are alright, but the Beach Boys are my favorite. Me and E are always talking about the beach boys, she loves them too. My grandma wants to know more about E so I'll write her a letter around lunch. My grandma's letters do not make too much sense. My mom texted E and she said she "couldn't wait to hear from him." I sent her a letter a while ago, it was really good. Hopefully it didn't weigh too much, I don't think it did but I should've put an extra stamp. I remember whenever I really wanted to come here, my mom sent my application with about 4 stamps, like I said that's when I really wanted to be here. I'm fine here, it's just I'd rather be home. I'm here under the premise of I'm here until I'm not and I'll just wait things out and do what I'm told. Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a while. I snapped at Shumaker and Sturgil/ I'm not sorry about it though. Shumaker kept throwing his stuff on my bunk, and when Yates put his bag on my bunk, I told Shumaker I was sick of him, and that I wish he'd shut up for once, once he kept telling me to calm down. I already wanted to cry that morning, and Shumaker really got me going. I also started crying after they gave us haircuts, that's when I told Strugil I hated everything about him. I really do hate him, he always has to say the last thing. Funnily enough, we made up until Shumaker said "you know, you never said sorry." I told him because I wasn't sorry - I really am sick of him, especially when he jumps out of the bunk and you can hear his fat hit the concrete. It's an awful sound. Sturgil, however, definitely can get one over on me, which you might appericate. One time during formation they told us dress, right, dress and I thought it was extend to the left march, when Sturgil saw me with the wrong arm up - he said something like "wrong arm," which ofcourse I replied with "shut up," which Sturgil replied with the greatest comeback I ever did heard, "I will when you do the right thing." That was pretty good in my opinion. Shumaker also said something really smart today, whenever I told him I wasn't sorry, I broke the silence with a "you got a lot to work on, burd." That's when he replied "you do too." And I really do, I'm just too sure what the hell I can work on, I'll figure it out someday.
12:25 PM
It's cold. Very cold. Whenever I sit down on the top bleacher I can feel the freezing air crawl down my neck. It's hell. I've had a truly awful day. I believe it's karma for being an asshole. Mr. Mullens gave me an 18/30 I tried on. It's not the end of the world but it's still a shitty thing. What's killing me is how cold it is. I heard birds chirping today, I wonder if they knew where they are. Good thing there wasn't any Mockingbirds, otherwise they'd be roaring with "hurry up." That kills me. The idea of a bird's song being interrupted by someone like Johnson makes me physically sick. After throwing up the greatest food of my life, I hate the food here. It doesn't fill you up. I'm so miserable. There's nothing I can do though. There's no point in crying, I can't refuse, I can't just zone out. Maybe next week they'll break me and whenever I get out of here I'll join the military. It feels like I'm trapped here forever. Mr. Bircher has been saying "we'll fix that Tuesday," like First Leave doesn't matter. I've been looking forward to it but I know it'll fly by. My dad feels the same sort of stuff, about time flying by and what not. I remember this one time when my parents were still married, we went to Hooter's and my dad said something like "I'm worried that it's gonna be over soon." That was 10 years ago. Everything seems to fly by except for what you want to (fly by). I wonder what Ronnie is doing, I wonder if her days are flying by, because mine sure as hell aren't. It is times like these I wish I'd pass out. Last night I had so many dreams about First Leave. I dreamnt that Izzy M. texted me. She kind of messed me up. People always mess me up. I really hope E doesn't.
5:07 PM
Finally it's over. I'm in the gym right now, waiting for dinner. There's a pile of letters in the floor, not too big. I'm really hoping one letter is from E, but I doubt she's got mine yet. I wrote my grandma that letter and it's mostly about E. I'm trying to tell my family I want to move to Illnois without actually saying it. My English teacher wrote "good writing" on my paper, I guess that's karma paying me back for it being so damn cold. It really is cold. Like awfully cold. Not as bad as whenever I'd wait outside for the bus. It's god awfully cold in Cool Ridge. It's god awfully cold in Kingwood. It's god awfully cold anywhere I go. I guess you gotta make something out of it. Tomorrow at 12:00 PM, I'll 48 hours till I leave this place. Mr Mullens' said something along the lines of "Shumate, you look awfully mad," I told him I was fine but that was a lie. I've never been just fine. I usually act different around different people, there's not much difference between here and Shady and a psych ward. I act completely different here that I did at Shady. I'm a lot more cynical and hateful, but I still have my grandma's frail southern voice. We just had dinner, it was amazing, however, I barely finished it. I've got everything down to a science. Whenever I came back the mail was gone, so I assume it was all for 1st-3rd platoons. I miss E a lot. I've been thinking about YouTube and what I want to watch. But when I really think about it, my mind can't comprehend it. There's so much to do in such little time. I believe tonight's gonna be a party, not a real one, but I'd like to have this extremely vivid dream where there's a jolly party and everything's lovely. And there's a band, like a marching band. I don't know. Anything would be better than the dreams I had last night.
8:17 PM
I just addressed the envelope for my grandma, I'm real excited to see her. I know she won't get back till I'm back. I only have about 4 and a 1/2 months left. I mean kind of sort of. First Leave is coming up, and that's what I should focus on. The next days should be the funnest days of my life. That's what it'll take for me to get through the next 2 and a 1/2 months before second leave. After that, all we do is wait to graduate. All I'm doing right now is waiting to take the TASC. But mainly I'm waiting for first leave. I'm not even sure what I'm excited for. If there's I'll wish for is for those 4 days to last forever.
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