///////////////////////
February 12th, 2020
7:20 AM
I'm still awfully depressed, I went to bed with the fear I'd up and I'd still be here. That fear was fully realized when I woke up to the sound of Reveille followed by the ungodly, motorcycle sounds that echo from Mr. Johnson's mouth. We're currently sitting on the floor currently which has me a bit puzzled. I don't know if this uncomfortable floor or the freezing bleachers would be a more unsuitable place to sit. I've come to the awful realization that I am never going to be happy and that First Leave is just another trick to make me hate life even more. I've also decided that June 12th won't even come, this is hell and my whole ideal of heaven being a lovely moment in your life was correct, however I am in hell. This is hell. Dante was very wrong. There is no fire, there's only the burning sensation of 6 inches and half-right faces. Right now we are getting our ID cards. First Leave. I'm so excited. I prayed for it to be the best days of my life. I really couldn't stand to be as depressed as I am right now. I'm scared I will die as lonely as I feel right now. We just got our ID badges, I look really good in mine. I bet my military ID will look cool, but I'd be depressed in that picture too. I'm smiling in my MCA ID card, for god's sake I am smiling. I. Am. Not. Happy. Here. But I got to graduate, I have to. Right now I am thinking about what pictures of me and E would look like, I think she knows I like her, but she doesn't know how much I like her. When I first saw her I thought, "I could marry her." I'm feeling a little better. I am slowly dying, but I've taken my mind off of it a little bit I can make it, I know, but damn, it can be very hard. We're going to the library today, however I think we're just returning our books. At 12 PM today, it will be 48 hours until we leave. I can't wait to relax. I feel like my head is going to explode. E, she's the only thing that keeps me going. If you really want to know the truth, these past few days I've been hoping I won't wake up. It's not like I want to die, I just don't want to wake up, especially the way we wake up. No one should ever wake up to yelling. I don't believe in yelling. If you can organize people without yelling, you're the smartest person alive. Right now Litton is making fun of MCA and it's the greatest thing I've heard in a long while. I'll write down some of my favorites. He's pretending to talk to one of the female squad leaders. "Mountaineer Challenge Academy is great program, ma'am." I love the structure and the yelling, ma'am." "I can't wait to join the military, ma'am, Mountaineer Challenge Academy really has been the highlight of my life ma'am." That shit's so accurate though. That's pretty much what the orientation videos made MCA sound like. This place is outstanding at double speak. Double speak is when a mobster refers to themselves as a "waste management consultant." We just got our progress reports. I got a 4 in English. Everything else I got a 3 in, which is just what you want. The schedule is all whacky today - well one class is off, but everything else is fine. Our snack today sucks. It's cheeseitz. However, tomorrow is one of those days where you get all dressed up. Which I like because on days like that Bay 6 doesn't argue. We're always arguing, and everyone hates each other. That's why I don't talk much. Thompson pushed me, and it kind of hurt my feelings. Mr. Chidester gave us freetime, which I'm awfully grateful for. In addition, we're going to the library, and we're getting a new book, I want something real wordy, I think I'll try to read something by John Steinbeck. Maybe me reading all these classics is the reason I got a 4 in reading. It is reading afterall. I think I want to write a book or a memoir. I just want to write something. I believe books are very, very important. It is books like To Kill A Mockingbird that make my day because you could really tell Harper Lee had Boo Radley and Atticus Finch in her heart. That's as pure as it gets, because she only ever wrote that one book, I like Hemingway and Steinback. I want to be a writer, but I don't think I'd have anything to say. Anything worth saying anyway. Mostly due to the fact I'm 17. I've got a lot to learn but when I do learn those things, I'll let you know. When I die I don't want people to think of me as "smart" or "honest," I just want them to know I was a person who had thoughts every second of every day, who had problems and tried to overcome them. I want people to know who I missed, who I f-cked over, who f-cked me over, who I love, who I hate, etc. What I want them to know is I saw peaks and valleys and trenchs and great heights. And next time, I'm laying beside a girl, whether it be E or someone else, I hope they know I care about them. I really can't wait for first leave.
February 13th, 2020
10:08 AM
I'm still depressed as can be right now. Soemone stole my damn hat, if I have to do PT because of it, I might actually die. My ed group is acting very dumb right now. I'm a little sick today, Shumaker gave me his damn cancer.
deaththreads. website