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February 5th, 2020
7:27 AM
This time last month I was probably asleep. January 5th would've been the day before we came back to school. I wasn't coming back, because I was coming to MCA. I would've kept my mouth closed that day in October if I'd known it would've been like this. I'm not gonna refuse or anything I'd love to, if you want to know the truth, but I can't. As long as I'm not like that Josh kid, I'll be fine. This Josh kid left for MCA last class. He dropped out after first leave. He would've graduated in December. That kills me, but it also keeps me going. I wouldn't be doing much of anything right now if I was back home. There's this guy looking out the gym right now. His name is Mr. Plum. I talked to him during orientation. At orientation, I was so proud of myself. I still am, but I'll be so happy when I'm in my dad's truck after graduation. I want my diploma and then I'm getting out. I really am, the only thing left will be the "1-20" I wrote on my bunk. Writing things down helps out. It shows how time passes. In a way we only have 4 months left. June 2nd. I might just run out of this building. The only thing can really do here is cry. That'a my extracurriclar. I'm pretty homesick and I really hate being here, but the only things you can do for fun is cry and read. What really kills me is I feel my heart's all tangled up and there is something real awful going on in there but I can't figure it out. I really can't. I don't expect me to feel free when I get out of here but I'll feel a lot better. I'll probably cry a lot during first leave. I don't want to come back but I know I have to. I thought I was gonna cry but now I can't. I guess my locker was unsecured or something, it shouldn't've been but it might've been - you get used to being on autopilot and once you mess something up, your whole process falls apart. Everyone's really nice to me except Mr. Bircher. What kills me about Mr. Bircher is he's mean to his staff. Mr. Cosner is like that too.
12:04 AM
Today's a pretty busy day. I'm mean everything's going well, but I'd really like a cigarette. That'd be amazing. Listening to folk punk while smoking is amazing. Especially something by Pat the Bunny. We talked about JFK getting shot today in social study. Lee Harvey Oswald was a communist. He was probably confused too, What I find more interesting is whenever that guy tried to kill Ronald Regan, he was doing it because he watched Taxi Driver with Jodie Foster and he fell in love with her. That's such a good movie, I watched before I left. There's a quote in that movie that's like "the goal of a person is to blend in and be like another person." That's probably not how the line actually goes, but it rings true. Before I came here I felt so alone, I still do. What really kills me is that guy who shot John Lennon was obessed with The Catcher in The Rye. That's a good book, but that guy who shot Lennon got it all wrong. I almost got A Farewell to Arms wrong, when I get home I'll figure out what it's about. My opinion, I think it's about how war can just drop you off and when all is said and done, it'll be glorified. Especially the ending when he's talking about his son. I have this image of me in the deserts of Iran reading "What Is Property" by Proudhon. I really hope that doesn't happen. I might just stay home if things don't work out with E. That's not because I'm lazy. I just don't want to spend 6 years. I mean I'd probably get a lot out of it, but still that's not what I love. I love Subway, getting a house with somebody, working an office job, etc. Anything would be better than the military. Anything would be better then here, I'd go back to school if I hadn't made this such a big deal. The stuff I get out of this program is pretty good. I really would just love to go home. I'm honestly a big ol actor. My family can't know how hard this is is. Nobody can. I'm doing well at schoool. I don't know what it is, I'm real down in the dumps today.
5:07 PM
School is finally over, I hate school. I really do, but maybe that'll make time go faster. There's a big thing of mail in the center of the gym, it isn't too big though. I wonder how much is for me. Probably none, I didn't send any letter until Monday. They were probably the best I've ever wrote - I sent one to my dad. It just talked about how excited I am to see him. Then I sent one to my mom, it talked about me not going to the air force and how I want an office job. Then I sent one to E. It was the best letter of them all. In the last letter she sent she gave me a polaroid of her and a dog, and I drew it. It was a pretty good drawing. I also wrote something smooth like "I really wanna hold your hand, if you want to know the truth." I was really putting on my best Holden Caulfield impression. I want to read that book again, I read it before I came here. I still feel like I'm in a damn psych ward here. However, I'm pretty f-cking cool. Like I'm the right height and everything. My favorite thing to do during breakfast is to watch myself in the mirror and holy moly - I blend in so well with everybody. That's what I'm trying to do if you want to know the truth. There's nothing better then when my name doesn't get picked for something. If I was real social and got PT'd a lot, I'd probably lose focus on school - then I wouldn't have any time to read. The most important things to me are school, book and this journal. It'd be really great if I could fall asleep one night and wake up and it'd be June 11th. That'd be so sweet. I'd become religious and stop smiking so much. Some dumbass on my locker wrote "June 14th" like that's what day it was, but one one is even here on June 14th. Maybe there was at some point. It was probably in 2018, because in the 2019 cycle, they graduated on the 13th. This place is a really good program, I'd just really love for this to be a memory. I picture myself in July at Subway working and looking up and being all proud of myself. That kind of depressed me when I wrote that, because I wanna see E. I'll talk to my mom about it. I'll be an adult when I get out. I'll only have 4 months till I turn 18 when I get out of here. I need to get my license, really bad. I wonder if I could get a job at Subway in Chicago. I really hope things work out with E. I love getting letters from her, and she seems just as into me as I am into her. When I first saw her I could picture her as a wife. She's got these beautiful dark circles and the nicest smile you've ever seen. I think I've really fallen for her. I'd say the best part is when I think about what it would like to be propose to her. I know that would be far far into the future but it's to think about. I think about her - she'd probably cover her mouth with her hands and she might just start tearing her. It always looks real nice in my head. I think that way about E a lot. All of our firsts, I think of them as cinematic scenes, not like with music playing in the background, just cinematic. If things don't work out between me and her, I'm not sure what I'll do. Tomorrow is February 6th, that means a whole troubling day, I mean I'll get through it, plus I'll get to go to the library, but still. I'm gonna get Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. It should be real short but real good. What I live for here besides letters and chow is the cell phone towers. The lights are always blinking as we're waiting outside. I dont think anyone else cares about them. There's this girl named Spindle and all the males are always going about how hot she is. Honestly I do not care.
February 6th, 2020
7:48 AM
Breakfast was terrible this morning. Coca Oatmeal and Cottage. I ate it all but it was awful. Today's one of those days you can't think too much about how slow the day is going or else it'll go by slower. I don't know how I'm going to do after first leave. I mean I'll make it through and all that jazz, but shit'll still be hard. Shit'll. That's funny, a new word. I'm feeling better - I had a real bad cold at the start of this week. Wratchford probably gave it to me. He never covers his mouth when he coughs. This morning my stomach hurts, so I couldn't really get into PT. I'm getting pretty ripped, like I got my abs back. I'm always looking at myself in windows or mirror. I used to think I was Narcastic or something. Hell, I thought I was everything before. I'm paranoid as can be, like back gome. I thought I had schizophrenia. I should've stayed up a lot more. What really messes me up is thinking about my backyard. Like it's a damn shame I can't see my backyard until June 13th. I'm gonna lay in my hammock for 6 hours. There's this movie called The Graduate and it's a real sack of sh-t but whenever I get out I'll probably be like the main character. He's always laying in his pool. It's a pretty sh-tty movie all together but there's the final scene where the main character and this girl get married and they run out onto this bus because the family doesn't want them to be married and then after they laugh and all that jazz, they fall silent, there's no music or nothing and it's real sad. I've done that before. Being depressed around a girl, it's the lonliest feeling in the world - being depressed or feeling alone around others. I'd always feel that way with [redacted] or H. I'd be laying on H and I'd think about that moment would be over in a heartbeat but then I was also trapped inside that moment. That was two years ago, it breaks my heart when I think about H. Like I'd do anything to see her name pop back up in my phone. It's too anything to do anything now. I was pretty in love with her. I used to not love anybody, now it seems like all I do. There was the girl named Audra from Texas and she was always confused but she was very pretty. Then there was this one girl, B, and she was 21 (I'm 17, but I was 16 when talking to her) but she wanted to go around the country and all this with me. I don't think she she meant it thou because she ghosted me. She really messed me up when I realized she ghosted me. Then there was C, she was french - I liked her a lot. What I really liked about her was when she something like "Christian, I love you," it would be in her really thick french accent. She tried to [redacted] herself and she put my name in the note, we broke up soon after. I couldn't handle things like that. I remember the night after she tried and she was all better - we facetimed and I remember I watched her sleep , making sure she was ok. I'm depressed. I'm stuck here until June 12th. I mean if I was at home doing nothing the time would go by pretty quickly. That's how most things are. I have to be my own caretaker right now because no one knows how depressed I am, even if they did they probably couldn't help. Nothing really helps anymore except for dinner. I mean I can handle this program, I just wish it was over, I shoud've went last cycle or the one before that. Cause then I was really dumb and didn't know much of anything plus then I was a lot less cynical. We have so much damn homework in math. My Uncle Chris, I think he's my mentor. I wish he knew how bad I feel. I might not ever escape this lonely feel, I fear.
12:05 PM
I'm still depressed as all hell but I'm feeling a little better. I might go to college for social work. I really just want to work in an office. I just want my old life back. I don't know if I'll be a social worker if things work out with E. That's what she is going to college for right now. See, I really don't want to be here, I know I have to though. See what I'd really like is if I didn't have to worry about E or actually live up to anything and when on first leave on the trip back, it would be just me and my dad and I'd start sobbing and he'd say something like "Buddy, if you don't want to back, you don't have to - you can get a nice plumbing job with me." I don't really mean that though. I'm in love with E for f-ck's sake. That's the problem with me, I never know what I want. I'm always changing my mind. What I'd really love is to see my dad. I'd like to laugh with him, I'd like to laugh at anything. I haven't laughed since we got here. We just had chow. Chow is my favorite part of the day. I'm speedrunning chow, like I'm always trying to clean my plate as fast as possible. I sat down real early too today so they didn;t say how time we had left or nothing. We only have one class before library. It's math. I do not like math. We only have till to the 24th of this month to turn everything in. If I make it to the 24th, I'll be happy. I really will. I won't be as happy as I'll be when I graduate though. Adversity. That's a new word I learnt today, it means hardship. That's certainly what I'm going through I'm not too sure what book I am going to get. I'm thinking I'll get A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens. I'm not too sure. Probably not. I don't know when I'll get till I actually get it. I just realized how much time I'll get to read. I'm so excited. I wonder if I have any mail today. Probably not, I'm not too sure how often my mom checks the mail so I might not get anything till Tuesday. Tuesday, that's another day I am excited for. Every moment that's not this moment, I am excited for. I'm excited for May 22nd. That'll only be 20 days until graduation. I just looked at my homework, it's not too bad, I'll get started on it tomorrow. There's also some science, but it should be easy. I'm sure June will be here before I know it. What's crazy to me is how I've gotten used to this place. I'm still depressed but atleast I know I can make it through. I just thought of something funny. Whenver I was back home. I always thinking about sneaking about sneaking onto my grandma's church's porch or the water reservoir and write something in a composition book. I didn't know what I wanted to write, but now I do. We're at the library right now. I'll write what I get. I just got my library book, it's To Kill A Mockingbird. I'm gonna start reading it right now.
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