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January 27th, 2020
7:11 AM
We would've been first at chow but the corp commander never says "stand fast" or standby" like he should. It's times like this I wish someone would [redacted]. This morning went really well, we all got our sh-t together. I still feel awful though. I don't know if "awful" is the right word, but I feel awfully pissed off. I feel pissed off a lot. People here are always worrying about the wrong things, they worry about locks but they can't even be quiet. They kill me in the worst way possible. I thought I was gonna be friends with Yates, but he's the first worst too. Right now, we're gonna get smoked, I think so. Mr. Johnson asked if I was okay, I told him I was. That's kind of a lie. But I know this program is what is best for me. There's just a lot of people I'm not super big fans of.
11:33 AM
This place is killing me. I'm glad about it, atleast when I get back I'll cone out with a lot. Also the thing I'm most excited for is to be excited for is to be with my family. Some of them are dumb, but I shouldn't be mad at them. This place is killing me. I wish I'd pass out, really I do - just so I could get a few minutes of good sleep. No one knows this though. I don't want to write it in a letter, because I just don't and I don't want to tell anyone because I know it wouldn't help. I know it'd help to get it out but that's what this journal is for. What would really help is if I wasn't here. Not in a way I want my parents to pick me up or something, but I just want to read a book for a minute. Something that'll take my mind off things. I feel awful, I really do. I keep thinking about I used to be and who I am now, and I feel awful. I used to be on top of everything, with my tik tok and girlfriends. I wasn't happy but I could relax. I feel disgusted with myself. I used to be so handsome with my long hair, and now it is gone. I'm in a place like this, and my hearts been broke ever since K left. There's that Beatles' song called Yesterday, there's also that movie about the Beatles with the same name. I watched that movie with K. I had a dream about her the other night that I got a message from her and she acted like nothing ever happened. This place is breaking my heart, I feel like I'm in a psych ward at all times. I'm quite invisible here, it's the best thing you can do in a place like this. You're not a goody goody like the corps commander so no one hates you and you're not awful so you don't get put on D-Squad. We just had lunch, it was pretty decent. It would've been a lot better if I didn't stuff it down my throat like I do. Last year I think my mom said I eat like I'm in the military. I don't want to go into the military. It is only 12:27, I'm not too sure what I'll do after I finish this journal. Right now I am watching Tharp fail at 8 counts. There's blue air running down my neck, I feel awful. I'm still sad but I am feeling a little better. I really miss my mom and her hugs. My mom's honestly the best. She's my biggest role model, and if you want to know the truth, we're each other's best friends. I'd like to think so anyway, sometimes I ramble about things she doesn't care about. I get that from my dad, I get a lot of things from him.
2:27 PM
I'm feeling better, I'm not on top of the world or anything but I'm feeling pretty decent. Whenever I'm feeling down here, I wish would've went around this last year, but if you want to know the truth, 10th grade was a big waste of time - well it really wasn't a lot of good, but I felt very miserable. Way, way too miserable. I'm trying to prove everyone who doubted me wrong, I really am. I mean if things don't work out with Emily they might think of me as a lowlife, but if you want to know the truth, I'd love to work at Subway for a long time. Or maybe I will join the army, who knows. But that Army Option might just have to hold off a little bit. I have better things to worry about. I really can't wait for graduation. My mom showed me the graduation video from the last class, my buddy Ryan was in there. And then there was this other kid Josh and he's big like Vankirk or Tharp, but he left after first leave. I don't know what kind of goofball would do that - you've already got through the worst of the program. This program is really good at bullshitting. This day is starting to look up, I'll get stressed out again when we have to start putting things up. Good news, Yates is staying. He's just a goober who hasn't got his things figured out - as long as he gets his dipolma, I'll be happy. There's a lot of people I can't wait to see graduate. Like Tharp and Shumaker, I can't wait to see them on that goofy graduation video. What they do here really isn't all that, my main issue is with my bay, they get under your skin real quick. But I can't wait to see Swain's goofy ass up on the same place where we go threw into on opening day. What I'm not excited for is to be sitting at attention for 2 hours, but atleast I'll go home afterwards. The good news is every minute I am stuck here is a minute I am closer to graduating. Here, I am getting everything I already needed except for my driver's license. That'll be my top priority besides going to Chicago. I really can't wait to see what the future holds.
[End of Journal #2]
February 4th, 2020
7:52 PM
Finally, I got my hands on another notebook. A composition notebook too. Today's been an awful day. Mr Bircher is killing me. He said something goofy this morning and the whole company was smiling, I was too and me and Mr Bircher made eye contact and we were both made eye contact and it was almost a great moment, but then he yelled at me because I was wearing my hat wrong. Also we did this test and it was real simple, however if you did one thing wrong, they'd crumble up your paper in front of you. That really is awful. I finished A Farewell to Arms today, it was good. The next book I'm gonna get from the library will probably be For Whom The Bell Tolls by Hemingway. Friday's my day. I get library and phone calls that day. And Next Friday, I'll be home. What I'm really excited for is to see my dad. I can't wait for the car ride home. I really hope it's not too bothersome for him to pick me up here. We'll talk about it on the phone on Friday. They wanted me to ride a bus down to Glenn Jean. Fuck that, I want to see my dad and Casi as soon as possible. I can't wait to look at guitars with him. We're gonna build a guitar together. I've been waiting a bunch of songs in my head, well, it's more like refining songs. Like I got this idea for a song called "Never Coming Home." It's this nice riff that uses the chords D Major and G Minor. I don't know the music theory terminology for that, but all it's really doing is straight from a happy major chord to a really sad minor chord. There's this song called "I Felt My Size" by The Microphones that uses a similar technique in the key of C. "No Surprises" by Radiohead also does that technique in the key of D. What I'll do is, I'll make all these songs the best that I can and whenever I get a band together, I'll rerecord them. I have a solo project (sort of) called I Almost Died. That's a very campy name, it's also something I day a lot. But that guitar, I am thinking it'll be black and yellow. It'll probably be modded up. You should see the guy from FIDLAR's guitar. It's a stickered up strat. Lou Diamond's Seagull is also like that. I think I want to remake it one day. My Yamaha FS-800 is like that, I draw stuff all over it. My mom's been sending me these printout of some of my favorite bands like Neutral Milk Hotel and Modern Baseball, but when I get home I'm gonna tape it to my Yamaha. Anyway, we're getting ready for two minute warning - I'll write in the morning.
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