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January 25th, 2020
9:36 AM
Hey! I'm feeling alot better, this place is nice, there is just a couple of assholes. That's the case with anything, there's always assholes. You just can't let them drag you down, happiness is a weapon. But my dad wrote me a letter. I was glad to hear from him, I'm grateful for him, I love him, I really do. He wants to make a guitar with me. Now I don't usually play electric guitars, but if me and my dad make it, I'll play it. Brian May, the guy from Queen made a guitar with his dad and he plays it till this day. When I have kids I want to make an instrument with them. It'll probably be a guitar, because if they don't play it, I'll have another guitar. I don't want to make an acoustic guitar, because that is very difficult. I've been thinking about music all the time when I'm running. I want my music to sound crazy. I just did 47 pushups, under a minute. That is actually insane. I'm going to be effin' ripped. 47 pushups is quite a lot for a kid who in middle and elementary school was known for being very weak. I really am going to get ripped, I got my food handlers card, I can't wait to go back to work, could you imagine going into Subway and I show up to make your sandwhich, ripped as can be, omw to pile drive your bitch. I wish my platoon would be quiet, I'm one of the best kids here. I mean I'm no goofball who sticks to the rules like jesus on the cross, but I'm pretty well behaved. This morning went very well, we did everything we were supposed to do. Mr Juristy woke us up, he's a good guy, but I wouldn't want to get to know him or anything. One thing I like about him is when he says something clever, it really is clever. He'll also call u a p**** if you're being a p****, I really appericate that. I'd like to think I'm like that. I'm kind of mean, if you want to know the truth, but when I'm nice - I really am nice. But I can't stand whe people act stupid. What I look for in someone is if they're nice to you because they really enjoy your company. That's what I look up to in a friend, I look up to alot of these military guys. Like my uncles, Matt and Joe. They're both normal respectable guys, but they're happy, they really are. A lot of these guys here I look up to, I'll you who they are: Mr. Hughes, Mr. Juristy, Mr. Poling, Mr. Dicks, Ms. Taylor, Mr. Dillon, this squad leader with a mustache, the lunch ladies, and Mr. Gardner. They all believe in themselves, and they believe in us, even if we don't. That speaks alot to me, I can't stand it when people down themselves. How am I suppose to love myself if I can't find someone like that. That's one of the main reasons I got out of public school. I always have to remember the reasons I'm here whenever I want to leave. I was miserable in school, I really was. Some people aren't meant for school, just like some people aren't meant for here. People always think there's a one size fits all for every issue. What I think is that there is a universal truth, but I don't humans will figure it out, and they really shouldn't. I've been thinking about the constitution alot, and how every American is given the right to the pursuit of happiness. That's exactly what happiness is, a pursuit. You're never gonna catch up to it and hang it on your mantle, you have to enjoy it for the game that it is. I don't know if that makes sense. But, I am really hungry. I am always really hungry. When I get home I am going to stock up on Hot Fries and I'm gonna eat them all. Mr. Juristy said something really funny today, well it was actually really clever if you want to know the truth. He said "you can eat whatever you want as long as you work it off," isn't that funny? I mean it's not true for some fat kid like Kian or Tharp to do that, they certainly need to cut down on the food they're eating, but for some lean meatheads like Mr. Juristy - they can do that all day everyday. I'm not a meathead yet, but one day I'll be. We start classes on Monday, I'm excited, I can't wait to get into that routine. I'd say it'll only take me a day or two to get into the routine. That's about how long it took for me to get into Subway's routine. When I get back from Subway, I'll know everything. Cash Register, Bread, Temperature Log, etc. I'll know everything. Speaking of Subway, we got our food handlers cards today, well, we did the test. We're waiting for lunch right now. I don't know what is, but I can't wait for it - it's something with chicken. I want to talk about music right now. I want my music to sound very distorted and chaotic but very controlled. The closest music I can think of is Neutral Milk Hotel and Tera Melos. But my two biggest inspirations are The Microphones and Death Grips and Lightning Bolt. Those band's music is so out there and so amazing. I think this decade we're gonna a lot of really weird but good music, such as Black Midi. They have this song called "bmbmbm" and it's so good. I listened to it before I can here.
8:22 PM
It is very loud right now. The squad leaders just got called out, we didn't do mail today. Shit is going crazy, but I'm just waiting for bed. It's been a long day, it really has. Tomorrow should be good, I'm not too sure what we'll do, but we'll do something. Swain's goofy as always but atleast he makes us laugh, Shumaker tries to be funny but he always ends up getting our lights turned on over something no one laughs at. He also keeps telling me goodnight when I don't say it back. He wants respect but I don't respect him. He says one thing and then does the opposite. He's also a crybaby and he started shit with Thompsin who says he's a blood. Every morning he flys off the top bunk like a dead seal, which wouldn't be too good if he fell on me. Maybe I'm too mean, I'll figure it out in the morning.
January 26th, 2020
6:50 AM
I have the urge to cry today, I really do. I mean I don't have to, but I want to. It gets something out that I can't figure out. Working out helps a lot better, but today I just feel miserable, I shouldn't take things so person, but I do. Nate is the bay leader and I kind of sucked at making my rack and he made me redo my 45 degree angle on my bed, and he said "Stump does a better 45 than you." I know he didn't mean anything by it, but I wish I could've said something like "atleast my girlfriend writes me letters." His girlfriend hasn't wrote him a letter and he's all tore up about it. I already you about selection day, whenever we were celebrating becoming cadets and he started talking about how he's supposed to go to jail or something that is most likely not true. I shouldn't let stuff like that get to me. Sisler yelled at us, which is kind of funny. He's another one of those annoying squad leaders. I'm guessing they got yelled at though because all of our platoon was being loud. We do have some good news however, I have a job here, it doesn't pay or anything, but it's pretty fun. I clean the library. I really miss E, I really do. It kills me not hearing from her all the time. We'd fall asleep on facetime a lot. I had an awful dream last night, I had a dream that somehow I could text her, but I didn't - and it made me feel awful. I'm not scared to wake up. I feel real insecure, I really do. I hope that mile helps. My goal is 6:47, I made 6:55, Sweeney told me he made a 6:47, but he always makes something up. I just feel real down today. I really want a cigarette, I remember the last time me and my all my buds hung out before all that Roni shiz happened, we had so much fun. We took a walk through Eddie's neighborhood. I smoked like ten cigarettes. Then we went to McDonald's and Eddie lost his phone. It's like that in your life, you wish you could watch moments like that over and over again - like that one episode of Black Mirror. God, I want to cry so bad. Not because I miss home or anything, I just miss how things used to be. I really miss this girl I dated, Sydney, she was so pretty. She was like one of the girls who was very pretty and I'd see her around, and then we started dating. I cheated on her twice thou. Isn't that awful? That honestly makes me want to [redacted]. I used to be really bad, but I'm trying to be better, but today is really killing me. Me and that girl Sydney, after me and her broke up - she started dating this football player, Stephen. They dated for two years, and I think it ended with her getting a restraining order. I've heard lots of awful things about Stephen, but he's going into the air force. I really miss my dad, I honestly never thought I'd say that but I do. He's goofy but I do miss him. You can't ask him anything too intelligent, you also can't joke with him too much or it turns into a big ol' lecture. He has some good taste in food though. My dad was pretty progressive for a little bit - he's real conservative now. Anyway, tomorrow we have school, we'll get into our rountine, what'd I'd do to go to Hooter's with my dad. He;s always going on about how proud he is of me, but I know he really means it. I'd do anything to see his big, dopey smile again. I can't wait to look at guitars with him, we're gonna build one after I graduate. I'm real excited, because I know what I'm doing for the most part. It just started snowing. I wonder if it has started snowing in Beckley. I can't wait for summer to roll around. I imagine myself laying on the grass at camp with Trenton and Megan, laughing about stupid stuff. That's what we did last year. I miss that stuff so much. I really would do anything to be home again. I guess I am doing something.
10:10 AM
We just ran our mile, I ran 6:12. Bad news is I want to [redacted]. I think everyone does too though. I miss my home so much, I hate the fact I'm so used to this place. I know this is what is best for me, but it does hurt. I feel so numb to so much. I can't even cry to get it out. I miss E, I really hope she doesn't forget about me. I really don't want anyone to know this, about how sad I am. I hope I just blend in, in some ways I hope it helps the time go faster. I'd do anything to make the time go faster. We're not even a 5th of the way through. I'm gonna make sure on first leave to do all the things I should've done before opening day. My lungs are killing me. I wonder what we're going to do tonight. Everything really kills me. There's an hour and 40 minutes until lunch. There's still 11 hours and 40 minutes to this day. 20 days till I'm home for 4 days, then it's 2 months of this shit. It's too much, and I really am stuck. I know I can get through somehow, it's just hard. I can't wait to be out of here, I know I'll be better when I get out. I need a cigarette.
5:44 PM
We just had dinner, and it was so good. It might've topped the chicken in bleu by a decimal. Mainly because everything was good, and then the pastry was dope. Tomorrow, we start school, I don't know how long I'll keep up this journal. I doubt school is very hard, but I gotta keep up with my grades also, I'm running out of paper. Maybe after first leave, I'll get some more of these kinds of notebooks. Plus they're getting ready to open up the library so I'll be reading a lot. They said they have a section on classics, but I couldn't find it, but I did find the section on poetry and short stories. It's not that big of a library. What I really like to do is read magazines in the DFACT. Tonight I'll get a Time magazine or something. I love them, they always get me, because in the little magazines no one reads, the articles are about regular people. It's really wholesome. I can't wait until breakfast.
8:00 PM
I'm very excited for tomorrow, I really hope my excitement doesn't get shot down. I'm pretty squared away. Tomorrow I'll be on top of it. Hopefully my morning isn't bad. Tomorrow we start classes, I'm real excited, I really am. Dinner was so good tonight, I hope tomorrow we have some Trix. I'd never eat cereal before with milk, but I did yesterday and it was alright. I'm so tired. We're starting med call, all the kids here always take something depressing like Xoloft or Xanax. I'll probably start smoking again. Everyone here is so loud. Sweeney poked me with a pencil, that pisses me off. I want a stick and poke. I'll probably learn how to when I get back. When I was a kid, I'd draw the anarchy symbol - because it looked like Criss Angel's logo, but my dad got mad at me because it looked like the anarchy symbol. There's another tattoo I really want, it's of a party dog. I saw it on this show, World's Worst Tattoos, when I was 8 or so and I've wanted it ever since. I try to do a lot of thing I wanted to do when I was a kid but couldn't. Like cuff my jeans or paint my nails black. I love that stuff. I need some nicotine, I really do. Everyone is so loud, they make you want to headbutt a bullet train. Tharp's being gross as usual. Stump is too. Shumaker isn't shutting up like usually. I'll write in the morning, I promise.
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