motivational
interviewing

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March 15th, 2020

7:10 AM

4th Platoon just got sent so it'll be a very short stretch of time before we get sent, however I will tell you about how breakfast is. We're going to pick up trash around Camp Dawson again for our S2C hours. Sometimes punishments here are actually pretty fun. Like when Mr. Cosner sent us to the barracks as a punishment, and we ending up having a good time. On the other hand, cleaning crew sounded fun, but towards the end it was the worst. Camp Dawson is really pretty and I'd really like to be left alone with my thoughts while we're picking up garbage. Maybe I'd figure out something. It's now 7:34 AM, breakfast was pretty good. Nothing to fill you up, but honestly I don't expect the food here to fill me up - I stay in a constant state of hunger. It was a blueberry muffin, banana, and Trix - it was so good. On a more depressing note, I'm extremely doubtful over the idea that I will never eat a good meal again. Like real people food. I'm going to end up depressing myself but it really does bother me. There's a lot that bothers me and I don't want to talk a lot about that stuff yet. I wouldn't know where to start with it either. We got to listen to our MP3 players, I listened to a lot of MCR and Jimi Hendrix, it was actually pretty neat. All Along the Watchtower is a great song. Like it sounds badass. We get mail tomorrow which I'm excited for, but I also get the classes I like. I'm all caught up on my homework, I really am. I've been standing some people up who I catch talking, and none of the other platoon leaders did that before I started doing it. Maybe I'm a big egocentric, but it is pretty cool. I've told quite a bit of people to quit talking. We're getting ready to do the PT test. I'm geniunely curious as to see what my weight is. Somehow it increases while I stay hungry. One time this RPM lady told us our stomachs would shrink. That tore me apart, because I don't want my stomach to shrink. I still don't. That's the second thing they've taken from me. I know that's overdramatic, and I don't really mean that because I'm here of my own free will and want to be here but I'm just starving. We just did the shuttle run, but I believe I'm out of breath. 141 pounds. We're getting ready to go to the DFACT or run the mile, so I'll write when things get settled down and I can "relax."

We're in the DFACT. We won't run the mile until after lunch. We have PT tomorrow, so I guess that's another thing I can look forward to. It's Sunday, which is fine, and I'd maybe enjoy it a little more if it was next Sunday, but not only do I have "Sunday Morning Come Down" by Johnny Cash but last month I was home. One of god's great gifts, home. I'm currently eavesdropping on a conversation about home and food, it's a dumb conversation by dumb people, but what else would you expect? Yesterday I had a good time during OA with Strahin, rolling over this big ol' log looking at worms, and her mannerisms and her goofy ass voice made things seem almost childlike - like a moment from childhood. I didn't have to worry about anything in that moment, as Johnny Cash states in that damn song, "it took me back to something that I lost along the way." Johnny Cash didn't write that song by the way, I think someone else did. But what ended up happening yesterday was this weird looking guy named Cadet Johnson (because he's different than cadre johnson, who is that big mean guy during the week - but I actually respect him enough to separate him from Cadet Johnson, because Cadet Johnson is an evil bastard for the reasons I'm about to elaborate upon) came over and started f-cking with our worms. What really killed me was when he started about how him and his family have this like worm farm, but specified it was like one of those overpopulated evil hell farms. I compared him to a lot of dictators. I also said "Cadet Johnson, you're one weird bastard, you don't shower, you read hentai, you do drugs, and you're the worst to worms and I hate you." I sounded like LeafyIsHere. He seemed a little phased.

10:09 AM

I'm going through this awful episode, I don't even know what I'm upset about. We're watching some awful movie about Tim Allen being in space and I'm also listening to the awful nerd conversation about Naruto. We ate snack, it was really good. Graham Crackers and string cheese. It by no means equates to a snack or a measurement of food that would fill anyone's stomach, but it's a bittersweet minute and a half. I remember before I came here, I went on an FFA field trip. We placed last, or atleast somewhere close to last place. But we had a great time. We made a stop at McDonald's and I order 80 nuggets and me and my buddies split them. Me and K broke up the night before, and I really thought about [redacted]. But luckily I got to go on the trip. It was pretty fun. I miss that kind of stuff. I miss having fun and I miss being myself. I hate this blank expressionless face I wear everyday. I know I mean this because there's a lump in my throat as I'm writing this. It's gone now, but I really would like to cry. I know it wouldn't help anything. There's a sign in the DFact that says "you shouldn't always like everyone, but you should always respect everyone." I'm still listening to that god awful conversation about Naruto. I don't understand how someone let alone more than one person can go on and on about this overcomplicated, dumb show. Maybe I'm just hateful.

10:09 AM

We just got done with prechow. I thanked the lord for this blessed day and the meal we are about to receive. It should be a real good one. Chicken Penne. Count was a little confusing but at the same time it really wasn't. I guess, hopefully there's 4 in military prep. I think we're one of the last groups to fo to chow, which I am content with at the moment because I've finally grown accustomed to this god awful hunger. After trash, we're going to pick up trash, which I'm excited for, it'll be a good time to go outside and kill some time. Military prep just came in, thank the lord. I was correct, Now I just have to figure groups B and C, I don't think I will before the next awards ceremony, This platoon leader position will tide me over until April and keeping count will ease my boredom until then.. April should be a pretty good month, because really it's our last full month.

12:34 AM

The bipolar March weather caused my nose to bleed during my second meal. It was an awful nose bleed. The platoon leader has found himself with a tampon jammed up his nose. It was both tragic and comedic.

4:30 PM

We're in the barracks right now, I just shooed Sweeney off. I told him I was going to write, but really I just didn't want him sharing my music listening time. I'm listening to Viva La Vida right nowm it reminds me of when I was a kid, and that damn Minecraft parody. I guess that song reminds me slightly of when I was famous on Tik Tok last summer. I'm a 17 year old has been. I'm okay with that. I'm a pleasant memory in someone's heart and that's all that matters to me. I'll keep on chooglin'. But often memories rot because they belong to a past that no longer exists. However I'm in a position where things are more bittersweet than usual. Tomorrow we get mail, which is quite swell. Now I'm listening to "I Don't Love You," by MCR. There's an anecdote about Gerad Way seeing the 9/11 and that's led him to starting MCR. Now I'm listening to "Cancer."

We're in the DFACT again, I believe the binding to this notebook is starting to break. We're watching Jackie Chan's first movie, it's a great movie. I really want a 6 string bass. Because I came here my dream was to play bass, I got really into it too. My fingerstyle playing with guitar mirrors a lot of bass guitarists technique. I might just a 6 string bass and and a cajon when I get home. Who knows what the future holds. Me and Fitzgerald had a decent conversation about music. I want Fitzgerald to be my friend. He's cut from the same nervous energy that I have. He doesn't talk to me about tax returns like Yates does. We're in the barracks again, it's a little chilly, but nothing I can't handle. I'm pretty tough as far as anyone is concerned with, now if some people were to read this - they'd think different. But people don't have much of an opinion of me. I just do what I'm told too and nothing more. I got this song stuck in my head, it's called "Change Machine" by Attic Abasement, everything about that song is perfect. The bassline, the drums, the fingerstyle guitar through the whole song, the vocals. Everything about that album that song is from too is grand. "Dancing Is Depressing," that's the name of the record - it's campy in the best way possible, sort of in the same vein as The Glow Pt. 2 by The Microphones - which is my favorite album of all times alongside folie a deux by Fall Out Boy. I want to make an album like that someday. I want to make an album or a song or something, that when it's over, the silence doesn't change anything, and you just carry on, and we accidentally share a moment. That doesn't make sense, I'm not very sensible. I wonder what tomorrow will being. It'll be the 16th. Then it'll be the 17th, things are going well. Yates told me something smart today - he said "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." What a smart feller. I'm not that smart. I flunked all my classes before I came here. I took some good naps during class too - specifically chemistry and Driver's Ed. I was thinking a lot about E and our future. Like how happy me and her could be. I don't tell her about those things, nor do I write them down, because it'd screw it up. I'm real smart at some things, I just don't what'll make me really happy but expectations won't stay the same for the world. I don't know what that means, but my mom told me that. My whole mom's side of the family is filled with phrases and aphrorisms like that. Stump is getting written up right now, I'm trying hard not to laugh or get caught laughing.

March 16th, 2020

7:10 AM

Today is one of those days where I want to cry, but I can not. Atleast tomorrow is the 17th, and atleast today we get mail. I wonder if I'll still be depressed around time for dinner. I have hospitality tonight, which mean Yates has to do count. Hopefully he doesn't f-ck it up like last time. Poor bastard, he's always asking my f-cking tax return. Fun fact, the kid beside me right now says he's been with his girlfriend for only four months. Another fun fact, we have been here for 3 months. They got together December 16th, if my math is correct. That was 3 days after 2-19 graduated. It feels like we're never going to get out of here sometimes. However, today they'rer doing an orientation for the next class, so we had to make sure the barrack's looked real nice so we can lie to the poor bastards. Those bastards won't know what hit them when Reveille starts blarring at 5 AM on July 13th, 2020. I'll be at 4H camp. This orientation is one of the earliest, I had mine in November, which would be May for us. Krystain, my buddy from Shady had his orientation in October so that would be April. April is the month we got get through, kinda like how last month was March. My mind is already passed March. After April, we're home free, essentially. The best part is we've made it real far ahead. We only got a week or so until our official halfway point, the 28th. After the 28th, we have two to three days left of March. I'm really excited for today, well I'm real excited to get through today. Today should be a lot of fun. I think Mr. Boyard is working the evening shift. He does a good job. I had some weird dreams last night, I had another real awful dream that I don't even want to write, and then one about me and Tasker working in a hotel. We're sitting on the floor right now, it's warmer then the bleachers.

8:33 AM

We're in Chidester's class right now, our class schedule is all sorts of messed up. We have Science today. Today is also pop tart day too, looks like I can also keep tract of snack. If you look at the second page in this notebook you can see I've been keeping track of damn near everything. It's fun, it really is. Keeping track of everything helps kill the time. There's a really good song by this band called The Loner(s), and it's got a lyric that goes "I wanna drown in your arms, is that ok?" It's really sweet. I wonder if they're really doing orientation. They said it was "visitors from down south," so I guess they don't want us to be fully aware and ruin things. I'm a pretty smart boy though. Oh, I forgot to mention, yesterday I got to work as Corp Commander because Turley got called down for Military Prep and the first Platoon leader wasn't there. I'm essentially the backup's backup assitant corp commander. However someone did describe me as "assistant assistant corps commander," which I doubt that person who said that really knows what they're talking about. I'm real excited for lunch because Mr. Hughes isn't here today. Tuesday and Wednesday will probably be a different story. It's pretty cold outside. I hate the cold.

9:47 AM

We had smores, well smore poptarts and they were amazing. We are watching Anger Management and I have my jacket on too. The movie's sort of bad but hopefully I can get lost in writing. I sent my letter to E. I sent her a notecard, and it was cute. It had a drawing of us and under it, it said "August 2020." I think she'll like it. I was thinking and we can bring snacks to 4H camp, and I was thinking about bringing about a thousand smore pop tarts. I think our schedule is messed up because of orientation. There will be another one next month. Ms. Bailey said this was a "temporary situation," and that made things feel a little better. I really hope I can keep my good mood. I'm excited for April, it's gonna be fun. Ms. Chidester also assigned some math pages and they go for the next progress report, which I really hope is in April so I have a date I can look forward to. I'm looking forward to March 19th and the 22nd, mainly the 22nd, Sunday, so I can write it on my folder.

12:05 PM

We're sitting on the floor while waiting for chow, there is no chill running down my back and I am as comfortable as I can get here. We're going to eat next which I'm excited for. Mr. Poling is also working which is a plus. We have 5 weeks till week 15 , which means only 7 weeks till we go home, what I'm excited for is when the weeks get into the single digits. Week 13 is when we'll only have 9 weeks left, that's a single grading period at Shady.

12:27 PM

We just had lunch. It was pretty good, lots of protein. It's kind of chilly in the gym but hopefully I can get lost in my writing. Mr. Schoonover's class flew by today, I forgot to even look at the clock. The next class we're having is some weird BS class. We're not having math today. I do not know why, but it have something to do with "the visitors from down south." I almost got real sad because I started thinking about how this time last month, it was my last full day, and then I got to thinking about when it hit me I was going back and I texted Ronnie. Then I started thinking about my backyard. I never went out there during first leave, which is a bummer. It's hard to believe it's been a month These days are certainly weird. I figured out what is wrong with this notebook, the first stitch fell apart. If the whole thing falls apart, I guess I'll steal some more duct tape and fix it. I got some duct tape on the side of my bunk, it's fresh too, as in I can still use it. However, I don't know how long for or where it came from because the adhesive isn't dull. I think my leg is falling asleep, I'm not sure though. I guess I'll find out when Turley calls the company to attention.

2:04 PM

I spent that BS class talking to my buddy Kryistian, that's how we spent yesterday. The next class we have is WIN, but really I'm just going to spend the class looking at my calendar.

6:37 PM

F-ck, F-ck, F-ck. Um, basic information for you, we're in the DFACT. I'm hungry as can be. I didn't get to enjoy dinner because I choked on my food, coughed it up, and then my nose started gushing blood. I barely finished my meal. I am still very much hungry, I can't stand when I miss a meal. I'll eat raisin bran for f-ck's sake. I think I'm freaking out, but I really don't know if I am or not. I'm coming to terms with how f-cking stupid I am. C sent me a letter. I'm awful. I'm a gd madman. C sent me pictures and she looks so pretty. She listens to Zach Hill and she's from Glen Daniel. This is unfair to E, C, and B. And the worst part is I don't know what the hell I want. I'm focusing on the wrong things, and then the wrong will become everything.

8PM

We're in the barracks now, I guess I've calmed down in one way or another. I want to atleast try to explain things, I really don't like my teenage angst bullsh-t. That's something I'm always worried about, what other people think. I'd like to say a lot in these journals, however I don't because I guess I don't want 23 year old me to look back on this and think it doesn't mean anything, the feelings I'm having right now. It's an awful thing to hear that all the thoughts you're having are bullsh-t. And that's one of the biggest issues I have. I seek approval from others and I always want somebody's big f-cking thumb in the air for me to do the things that make me happy. My mom says I'm looking for an answer in a girl, a pill, in anything. Because if you want to know the truth, I don't know much of anything, maybe I know a lot about a lot, I just want someone to tell me I know a lot about a lot. This isn't even the real; It's E, C, and B. I don't think I should overthink it. I haven't made anything serious, and I really need to learn how to relax. I worry about every gd thing. I worry all the time. I've gotten used to that worrying. I'm real damn used to it now. There's a new guy here, Mr. Fike, and he looks like a character in this comic book I read one time about this ugly bastard with antlers. It was bloody as hell. Swain said E looks great and that C looks very pretty. Well he said something else, but Mr. Gardner just gave the two minute warning - so I will write in the morning.





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