March 13th, 2020
7:15 AM
It's finally Friday. All I've been doing this morning is thanking about music. I'm in a real good mood today. I think when I get home, I'm gonna release an album of old songs called "prison dad pt. 2" and once I finish that I think I want to do another album called "party dog," we'll see how things go when I get home. Anyway, I'm real excited to talk to my dad today, I wonder if he ever got my letter. I really hope he did. We just got back from breakfast, it was pizza and it was very good, however the cereal was the best. I'm a little bummed, which sucks because I really was in a good mood, this sad feeling appeared out of nowhere - but I know it will pass. It always does. this time last month I was sick as all hell. I don't want to talk about that too much because I already did in my last journal. I've been having these dreams where I'm talking to somebody, and I say everything I need to say, but then I wake up. I'm glad I'm not in cleaning crew anymore. It was raining real hard this morning. I wonder how mom is doing right now. I wonder how her morning is going. She's probably getting ready for work. I'm sad now, if you want to know the truth. I wonder how all my friend's days are going. I wonder if their days go by fast. If it was up to me, well, I don't know what I'd do. "I wish my life was like a f-cking VCR, so I could just sit back, rewind, and tape over the bad parts." I miss my vaporwave phase. I miss when things were a lot simpler, when getting home to watch youtube made me the happiest kid in the world. Now I'm old, and all of that is gone, but I still feel that same sharp pain in my chest. If it were up to me, I'd have everyone forget about me and I would just give up. I really don't like myself. There is times I go to sleep and [redacted]. I hope we have smore poptarts today. I just want some real food for once, I just want to be a real person again. There's the stuff I think about, then all my movements feel so fake and technical. There's an S2C today. I'm starting to get cold. The cold, I hate it so much. It kills me. When I get out of here, I'm going to get my license. I'm real excited to work at Subway again. I take real pride in working there, because Subway is also my favorite place to eat. I'm feeling a little bit better. I really take pride in the fact that most people don't get to eat at their favorite restaurant and work there and not get sick of it. I'm feeling a little bit betternow since I thought about Subway. I know the people there really do like me. I'm not mean there like I am here. I'm real sweet and kind there, atleast I try to be. I didn't mean what I said before when I said I was real sad, the part about [redacted]. One thing that is sucks, is that they (US Government) upped the smoking age to 21 from 18.8:45 AM
We're in Chidester's now. But as I was saying, I really want some cigarettes. I know it's bad for my health and all, but honestly if I'm with E, I won't be smoking around her. I wonder if I have any mail today, I really hope I do. I want to hear from my dad. I hope my letter makes it to D. Lately my letter's have been real good. We have Mullens today, which is a drag, but it's Friday, and that'll mean next week we'll have science and math three times. When I get into the barracks, I need to memorize this picture that has all my phone numbers on it. Next week I'll have an actual job, which sucks. My mom sent me a letter and it had all sorts of pictures in it. It was real cool, she painted me one about wolves, she loves wolves. She loves me too :) We have a lot going on today, there's mentor training and some kids went to stock the Cheat River with trout. There's 13th kids from sixth platoon, which makes 18 present. Thank god Turley didn't make me do the count yesterday, it was all out of order. Tolbert had electrical and I didn't know. I kept counting 30 people, and I was missing one then all of a sudden he appeared out of nowhere. Someone apparently came to West Virginia with the corona virus. He's fine but still. Shumaker had a big fit about it. He's always having a big fit about something. I'm real tough on him, because me and him almost have the same last name.9:56 AM
We're currently sitting in the DFACT, we just finished this test and I think I did fairly well on it. It was some test about fitness. I talked to Turley, he's cool. He's always looking out for people but you can tell he's got something going on that bothers him. He never says anything about what it could be but even if he did, I wouldn't know what to say because he's a hell of a lot smarter then I am. When I was freaking out about the ASVAB, I got to thinking about why god made me so faulty. I don't mean it in a mean way, but I'm just curious as to why god made me the way that I am. Maybe there is no god and everything is just extreme luck. It doesn't feel like it though. Everything seems to happen for a reason but maybe I just think too much. I've been praying, not too hard or anything but I've just been praying a lot. Mostly during the prechow, it's something along the lines of "Dear lord, thank you so much for this blessed day and thank you for this meal we are about to receive, lord, may you let these next coming months go by quickly and smoothy as I wish to see my family, in Jesus name I pray amen." And I say that every meal. I jope it's working, it's already March 13th. My goal is the 22nd. Then April 2nd. Something real interesting is the fact that today is Friday the 13th. I'd love a cigarette right now. It'd probably kill me but you have to make your own luck or something. We're about to go to the barracks so I will write during lunch.12:40 PM
I just got to eat. All the people from that S2C are back so hopefully I shouldn't have to worry about count too much this evening. I've been looking at the pictures my mom sent me a lot, those people mean a lot to me. They really do. I got to be Corps Commander for a second, I don't want to sound lame for thinking it was cool, but it was really cool. I'm gonna tell my dad about it. I love him. My dad really is the best. I've had this song called "Australia" stuck in my head. I love Attic Abasement, that's who the song is by.6:30 PM
Everyone's real upset. I feel sad, but really I'm just exhausted. I didn't get any mail today, which is fine. I'd really like a cigarette, but really I'd just like a letter. I'm sorry, I don't mean to complain. What matters is that I got today over with, and that 's what matters. Monday's going to be the 16th, and Saturday will be our 70th day here, so that means Friday will be a real holiday. I hope I get a lot of time to write tomorrow. Hopefully I can read a little bit during chow, I'd hate for my platoon to get real rowdy like they usually do. They're not awful, but still. The sun is starting to set and it looks sort of pretty. I believe there's some national guardsmen outside, I bet that's cool, but it's just not for me. If I join the army I'm gonna be in the infantry. I could join the airforce and work in an office, but I'm always making things difficult for myself. My grandpa said I do that, he said that when I was real little. I'd like to say it was on a fishing trip but I know it wasn't. I miss that. I'd go on these fishing trips with my dad and I'd get lost in thought, and I'd getting in his truck and getting a snack. I'd do anything for a real snack like Hot Fries or Skittles. I oughta stop talking, I'm going to depress myself, funny thing is, I already am. I wonder if anyone can see my "please help" expressions. If you want to know the truth, I think if someone did I'd probably hate myself a little more. I always do. We're in the barracks right now, getting ready to make a phone call, I'm trying to catch my breath. I think I've caught it. I always find myself here. In the barracks. When I finish my phone call, I'm always filled with thoughts. I probably won't be able to articulate them but I thought I'd bring my notebook just so I could write it all down. Sutton said it was almost like I was writing just to write.Well, that went really well. I got to call my dad and E. My dad lost my letter, however he got to read it, so that's all that matters. He's not much of a writers anyway. It wasn't a big emotional conversation, but it was good. Then I got to call E, it was a lot less chaotic then the last phone call we had. She was working. I told her I liked her poem that she wrote me. She sounded real happy to hear from me. Which made my heart happy. I just realized I told my dad the wrong thing about when I sent D's letter. It's not that important and I really shouldn't think about it too much. My mom said I dissect situations and leave nothing but the bad. I do that with my fingertips, I'm always chewing them off. I'm feeling real good right now. I'm in love with E, I really am.