March 7th, 2020
7:27 AM
Today has started off very good, what I'm most excited aout is me and Sweeney switched shoes. I mean the shoes are dirty but I might clean them today if I get all my clothes folded. I have a ton of laundry, I had to throw away one shirt because I bled all over it. I had two dreams last night. One was this reoccuring dream I have about trying to scare myself but I just felt numb. Then I had a dream where I was at my mom's house and I guess it took place on first leave because I told her, "it feels like I'm never going to get out of this place and I've been anywhere else." When I get real down and out, that's what it feels. I told my mom about everything, and she told me that "I had a lot of time to think about it." I believe I've romanticized the hell out of being in the military but I actually feel comfortable with this way of life. Chris wrote me a letter, if I read it before I got sick. I would've thought it was goody but I know it comes from the heart. And everytime I read it, that letter makes me smile. I'll jot down some of my favorite quotes:"I know it can be a confusing time right now with being away from home and trying to figure everything out and then throw a girl into the mix, it'll make everything confusing."
I love how he worded my situation, it makes things seem a lot less complex and overbearing and more easy to manage. He also wrote,
"Girls can complicate things! You'll see when you get older lol"
He really did write lol. JD Salinger said in The Catcher in The Rye, "Girls. They can do the smallest thing and you fall in love with them, then you never know where the hell you are." That's paraphrase by the way. I told my mom that I could get my community college done and then go into the military. I haven't told anyone about joining the army. I wrote it in a letter to my grandma about joining the army. I wonder what she'll say or who she'll tell. I don't know, I still have a long time to figure things out. I've got my whole life ahead of me. What's real weird is the question of "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" It's a mystery. I've got homework but there's no point in doing it right now. I was thinking earlier about this My Chemical Romance music video where Gerad Way is talking. But I was thinking about my own version. But that's the main thing, it got me thinking about this girl, Jay. We're no longer friends. She really liked me and I really liked her. But she had some point and she took advantage of that and used it as an excuse to be the worst. I don't want to write about it anymore.
11:10 AM
B sent me some pictures. I want to look at them but someone done asked about E. I'm terrible and I know it's wrong what I'm doing but I don't know what the hell to do about it. I don't want to stop talking to B because what if things fall through with E. That's a lie. Am I cutting myself short by joining the military because it's simple? I'm worried things will fall through with E and I'll end up sounding like a hypocrite. I need to drink more water. I think I need to let things be and let things happen as they happen. That's what I told D to do. I'm worried I'll make the wrong choice. This might be hard to write down but I feel like I'm starting to look at music more as a hobby, Like touring and stuff sounds cool but working out and going to the park with B or E or D sounds cooler. Getting ribbons and being fit sounds cool too. I could get 6 years and settle down. I've thought too far ahead.11:55 PM
We're getting ready for lunch. I'm real excited for Monday because it's also mail day. But I'm also gonna have hospitality which should be fun, everytime I'm in there I know a week has gone by. God, I want to look at B's picture so bad. I hope I'm not falling in love, I fall in love with everything. It's gonna kill me, it really is. She's just really pretty and I want everything to be real simple. My head's a big ol' machine with a log stuck in one of the cogs and I just have to let the wheels turn until the cog breaks the log. I hope that makes some kind of sense. It's hard to believe someday I'll be heading home. We just ate lunch, it was pretty good but it certainly wasn't enough. I'm a little sad now. Things aren't real bad but it's just a bummer that the best thing I can do is wait for things to happen. I'm gonna read at sometime. Not too sure when, probably when I finish this journal up. I think we're going to go outside in a minute. I'm excited but we probably won't have a lot to do. I really hope I got D's address right. I'm 90% sure I did but I'm always worrying about something. My head usually gets pretty exhausted on the weekend. Shumaker is finally getting yelled at for doing shitty pushups. It's quite a sight. I'd be real nice to lay in my bed. That's one thing I miss like hell, I was laying in it and it felt so damn good however I didn't get to enjoy it because I was too busy trying to make first leave last forever. I know it's awful to talk about things you miss but I do miss a lot of things. It does feel like these days are going by a little faster. I've developed quite the effective strategy to making the day go faster. I won't write it down because I don't feel like it. What I'm really excited for is to go to bed. I can't wait to get that letter from my mom, I really can't wait to see my guitar again. I want show Tingler my guitar. My mom says my skin has really cleared up since I got here. I hope it stays like that. I want a cigarette. I remember when Ronnie and my buddies would pick me up from work and we smoked all the time. What I really remember is the moments when I'd mop the floor and get real excited to hang out with my buddies. It's like not like I'm not going to do it again. This summer is gonna be crazy. I wonder where I'll be at the end of it. I can't wait to get out of here. I wonder if I'll take up any new hobbies. Last summer, when I was a big shot and was dating K, I tried to learn to skateboard. I remember my phone overheating. Whenever I got in the car for first leave, I geniunely forgot how to use my phone.1 PM
I'm in the DFact, I'm a little depressed but nothing too out of hand. It should pass with time. I got this song stuck in my head. I forgot the name but I know it's by this band called Local News Legend. They were the only thing I listened to on first leave. I'm feeling lousy as hell. I wonder what's going on at home right now. I disappeared all together. I bet H is real happy about that. Everytime I wonder about what class I'd be in, it's a weekend. At some point, I'll be out of here. What's funny to me is that there's going to be a whole other class after us. They usually fit the CPR class and all that other stuff towards the end of the class. I'm setting new goals: My short term goal is March 13th, my intermediate goal is March 22nd, and my long term goal is April 1st. The good thing is after this month, I'm in the clear. So much happens in April; April Fool's, My mom's birthday, weed day, my parent's divorce anniversary, my half birthday, lots to look forward. Lots to be excited about. Then in May, we just wait for second leave. Then after that it's only 17 days until I go home for good. Hopefully May doesn't last forever. It really shouldn't though. Poor bastards in class 2-20. Someone is always a poor bastard. For the most part we've got through the hard part. March 12th marks three months since we got here, kind of. March 19th marks the end of Progress Report 3. Day 77 is officially our halfway point. There's so many ways to love at it. It's kind of become my hobby. If we were here in the last class today would've been September the 8th. The sun is at it's peak right nowm it's getting real close to the time that it will begin to set. When dinner gets here - the sun will look really pretty, hell it is really pretty now. When I get back to the barracks I'm going to organize my personal drawer. My wall locker is pretty squared away right now. I forgot to mention, I cleaned those shoes and they look pretty darn good. I hope we get to keep them. I won't wear them everyday, but I'll wear them with certain outfits. If we don't get to keep them, they're online for 15 dollars. They;re awesome. I can't wait to eat Subway again, it really sucks I was sick during first leave. I told E I thought I was going to be sick forever. She reassured me that I wouldn't be sick forever. I love her. I really do, it just tears me up not hearing from her. I mean it doesn't rip me apart or anything but it does suck. I get to call my dad next friday, so that'll be dope. I love my dad, he's a goofy bastard in the best way. The sun looks real pretty. It's weird being here, I'm real quiet and I observe people all the time. I'm not weird, I blend in real well, but I keep to myself a lot. I don't really want to be too much out there, I've got a lot to think about. I wonder if anyone wonders about me or wonder who I am. It doesn't really matter because that's somebody else's head and their own thoughts. If someone's writing a book, they should write a book. My bad, my mind slipped.2:23 PM
Good news, my mentor training with Jason is today. So I get to see him and I get another mentor training ribbon. It's hard to think that I'm a lot farther then Josh Worix. He left on first leave, I almost did. But I'm here to stay. I hope I look good in my uniform and I don't look scrawny. I'd like to think I'm pretty handsome besides my big nose. Zirkle called me Yates today, it was funny, we do look alike. I wonder if Jason will noticed if I've changed. I get another mentor training ribbon today.5:15 PM
Somehow I folded every piece of clothing and I even figured out how to put two ribbons on for once. You just use half, I 5 Ribbson all together. Phase 1 and Phase 2, Asst. Platoon Leader, Life Coping, and Mentor Training. I got another mentor training and I won't lose it this time. I put it in my envelope for ribbons. My cousin Orion who graduated from here was also an asst. platoon leader for 3rd platoon. We just had dinner, it was petty damn good. We have turkey, salad, a banana, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, bread and milk. I'd really wish they'd add cigarettes to that darn food pyramid. We're going to the barracks after this because last Saturday the company acted like a bunch of goobers. But to be fair, they are goobers. I'm a goober too, probably. We had mentor training today. It was nice seeing Jason. We talked about all sorts of stuff. We talked about H. For some reason I wish I was with her again, guess I forgot about the part where I Almost Died. That's a little overdramatic. I need to buy some strings for my tenor banjo. I was thinking I could play the banjo for me and D's band. I really want to put a BURZUM sticker on it. I think I'm going to try to read some of David Copperfield. I think I'll like it, it's a pretty thick book so it should last me a while. We might get to listen to music, but I don't know. If that's the case, I'll listen to music and color in that Bob Ross coloring book my mom sent me, I can't wait to get her next letter. It's gonna have some pictures of my guitar. I got real into noise music before I came here and one of my favorite bands, Whitehouse - I had to make a sticker for. We're in the barracks right now. It's crazy what can happen in such a short amount of time. Wood got to watch a movie but I got to be platoon leader for a minute. It was really cool. However it's a shame how many people I had to stop from talking. Tomorrow is Sunday which I'm thankful for because Monday, we get the week started - like actually. This week will probably be a breeze. Right now it's peaceful and quiet, like it should always be. The other funny thing that happened was Wheeler said, "you're not white, I don't know what the hell you are, but you were eating salad with a spoon." I'm always trying to eat as much as possible as quickly as possible. I drink while I eat, it helps soften the foods we eat and makes it go down faster. But using a spoon helps you capture the food easier. If you couldn't tell, I have too much time on my hands. I think Mr. G is high, he's probably just having a good time. Anyways, I'm going to read and talk to my buds.8:19 PM
It was supposed to be a punishment to be at the barracks, but we got rest and I've never laughed as hard as I did tonight. Mr. G's acting a little goofy. We think it's because he's talking to a beautiful lady. He was also eating a cookie, so that could've been it. I got to look at those pictures of B some more. I didn't read like I planned but I probably will. I didn't really feel like it today. Well now I feel like it.[End of Journal #3]
March 8th, 2020
6:39 AM
This is in the wee hours of the morning, way too early to write, however quite a bit has happened. Wood is going on to go on an S2C so I'll have to assume the role of platoon leader, I'm both nervous and excited. Hoppefully, I get everything right. I also have toget Sweeney's stuff but I'll be fine. I don't think I'll mess up.9:11 AM
I have a tampon in my nose and blood on my sleeve. My nosebleeds have adjusted to the MCA way of life, quick, fast, and in a hurry. I did fairly well with my platoon leader duties. I freaked out inside my head, but no one could tell. I'm still a little overwhelmed, but I know it's worth it. Wood's going to the firefighter's breakfast, that's the thing I went to last month, hard to believe that was already a month ago. Time flies when you're having fun I'm exhausted. I tried to write something besides this, but I'm too tired. I don't really like Charles Dickens, I know it's bad to not read the book I got but lately I haven't got anything that really interests me. I got a lot of books at my house that I need to read. If yin ou want to know the truth, I'm a little depressed and really wore out. I got this song stuck my head, it's "Your Deep Rest" by the Hotelier. I'm currently watching 3rd platoon do sh-tty pushups. For as much as 6th platoon argues, we're pretty squared away. I'm still sad but I just got to get through it/ I need to write Chris sometime this week. I'm real happy my mom is proud I got asst platton leader. She made a whole post about it on Facebook. I really hope I have mail tomorrow, that'd be great. I feel real bad for being so depressed right now. I just need to wait it out. I can't wait to go to the DFACT. I forgot to mention, the people in my bay said I did good. Leave it to me to seek validation, I got some other good news, Johnson won't be here for 3 weeks after this so that means he won't be back until week 12. We're getting snack. I feel vulernable and wide eyed. The snack was good, I think I got asst. platoon leader because my progress report was really good. I highly doubt I'll get it again but I should really be more confident. I honestly think I'm falling for B and it's killing me because I'm so darn worried. I'll change my mind. I always do. I never know what I want. My problem is I want things to stay to the same. I want someone to tell me what to do with my life.12:07 PM
I'm not feeling depressed anymore.12:23 PM
We ate lunch, it was very good. I feel very proud because when I did the count, I didn't mess up. Our platoon was real well behaved.4:01 PM
I'm in the barracks, shoes are clean, it is time to write. Wood is back from the Firefighter's Breakfast - which means I can assume my role of a Bleacher Creature. I've been on my feet all day and I'm so excited for dinner. I hope it's chicken. I talked to my buddy Strahin. We sung "Your Graduation" by Modern Baseball. She told someone it was by The Front Bottoms, but no one is perfect. Atleast it was something. I'm going to tape some picture to my journal when I get the chance. I honestly wonder how long this journal will last. I've decided to try to draw the view I get when inline to the barrack, it's going to take me a long time, which is the point because I'm trying not to be such an impatient bastard. I'm really excited for school because that makes the days go by real fast. Wood is currently getting smoked outside the door. Lately I've been real observate of everyone in the platoon. It gives me something to think about besides how many different ways I can count the days or how sad I am. I've had the song song "falling in love" by teen suicide stuck in my head all day4:45 PM
They just called for colorguard. When I get home, I want to change the strings on my nylon string guitar and my tenor banjo. Also I figured out that I go to camp on July 12th, which is pretty fun because that's when class 2-20 starts, I think that's irony. Tomorrow we get mail, and tomorrow I get to send out those letters out to D and B, I think I'm gonna save the one for D, because I really want to make sure the address is right. Patience, something I'll learn to master. Sturgil's being a loser right now. He's always like that though. I wonder when I'll hear from my dad. Hell, I'm always wondering when I'll get my next letter.Alright, so big news, I might be the new platoon leader, Wood has seemed to be demoted. It's crazy this stuff happens with in a day. As all things go, there's already an issue. Tomorrow I have hospitality and that cuts into the main part of dinner. If I was a normal platoon leader, I'd just have my assistant do it, but the thing is I don't have an assistant. So what happened during tomorrow's dinner is a mystery. If you want to know the truth, I really like being down here. It's fairly comforting. Starcher has something to say, I can see it in his eyes and I can't tell if it's good or bad. I'm not doing something wrong, am I? We're in the DFact now, I believe the days are getting longer in the good way - the sun hasn't even set yet. Friday I had Mr. Mullens, so we have our first math class with Mrs. Chidester tomorrow. Hopefully I can get some tape for this notebook, it looks a little bland. The sunlight's pouring in and it's real pretty, however my feet hurt like a b-tch. I wonder what'll happen tomorrow, I'm sure it'll get figured out when we're in the gym and they call for hospitality. Maybe I'm not platoon leader. It'll all work out, I promise. I've got a plan though if Iam, I'll have white cover for me. He was the first platoon leader. But if I'm not I'll find out sometime tomorrow because me and Wood are in the same ED group. Currently, I'm sunburnt not too bad though, but you can certainly tell. Thank god it's starting to warm up, not counting today we have 3 days to our halfway point. 3 times we've ate dinner here on the 12th, and 3 more I was thinking about something, and I probably look lonely as hell right now, but really I just don't feel comfortable getting to know a lot of these people and I feel most comfortable when I'm alone. I still wonder if anyone ever wonders about me. I wodner about everything, if you want to know the truth. There's this movie called The Graduate, and it's a real pile of sh-t, and the main characters always going on about how he's "thinking about his future" and that's exactly how I feel most of the time. I'm always thinking about how if I'll stay Boehemian or join the military. If I'll be with E or B. It's all a mess and when I'm writing in here, or I'm talking to someone about it, I'm looking for an answer to my confusion. I sure as hell won't find it in a conversation with anybody and I won't probably won't find anything close to an answer till I get home. If I was in the army, I wonder how many notebooks I'd fill up. I'd read a lot more, I'd say. The sun's really beginning to set. I remember last widner I was all fucked up and I remember around this time last year I was all fucked up about the winter and the first beautiful day in March, I watched the sun set and I was so gosh darn happy. When I get real sad and insecure I wonder if I'll ever be as happy as I was back then. When I get to the barracks, I'm gonna scavenge for tape. Usually my stepmom or dad put tape on my letters instead of licking them. The sun is setting and I have B pictures in front of me, you can tell she picked them with care. One is edited like a polaroid, another is just a cute picture of her but in it, you can tell she felt real confident because she's all dolled up and she's wearing a yellow turtleneck and this coat that a business woman would wear. I'm gonna write and I'm going be all in love with her again. We're not dating, but that doesn't mean I'm not an awful person. It's kind of like that song Johnny Boy by Twenty One Pilots. I don't know, I'm a gosh darn mad man. I have this song playing in my head as the sun rests and the night sky gets ready to become enveloped in darkness, it's "Try To Sleep" by Attic Abasement. There's another song he's got called "Waking Up Is Hard To Do" and it's got this lyric that I heard as "won't you come visit me in prison," but it's really "won't you come visit me invisibly." Both apply here, it'd be real cool if my life was amovie that song could play as I eat in the psych-ward fashion we do here. Attic Abasement, I'm not too sure, however I believe he's my hero. He made this really good album called "Dancing Is Depressing," and now he's a family man and he has a garden. He doesn't play many shows, but when he does it's real special. That's what's the most important thing to me is that I'm living a life and I'm telling it through music. We're in the barracks right now I believe med call is about to start today been quite an exciting day, my right foot hurts. Stover's outside the bay, crying - like usual. We're already at bay 6 meds. I'm exhausted as hell, I can't wait to go to bed. I couldn't find any letters with tape on it so I just used my piece of tape from my ribbon.