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January 19th, 2020
7:01 AM
"death is real, someone's there and then they're
not and it's not for singing about,
it's not for making into art.
When real death hits, all poetry is dumb."
I can handle a lot, I mistake that for being unsympathetic,
but really I'm just emotionally strong,
but when something really awful happens,
it's a bummer.
My friend Sweeney told me about losing his baby and how his girlfriend moved to Ohio
and how she took the kid too. You could hear him tossing and turning last night. He kept bursting into tears.
He gave Tharp a hard time too, which we all do.
I could do a whole seminar on why Tharp is a dumbass, I feel bad for him,
but he's always doing very dumb things and he's loud. Yesterday he pissed in the shower,
'cause he thought no one would notice - but when you piss straight yellow, you can follow the stream
to see what shower stall it's coming from. I do feel sorry for him, like one time he was talking to Turley,
and Turley talks to everyone, but Tharp started going on and on about gaming YouTubers, he was really enjoying himself
Tharp was talking about Gaming Youtubers in that escapism sort of way.
Then Tharp said a racist joke and everyone got mad.
He does dumb shit like that all the time. But sometimes he'll say something that makes you a little sad.
He was reading a letter from his grandma and it had a line in there like "Sister Mary sends love your way."
I wonder who Sister Mary is. I wonder what she watches on TV.
7:43 AM
I just finished breakfast. It was pretty alright. Fun fact, if you refuse or you're hurt enough to be on crutches, you just sit out in some deligated spot and do nothing. It's kind of goofy. Another fun fact, I'm pretty squared away. Hopefully we have some rest time and everyone's not having the worst day of their lives, then I could fold some clothees. I'd love to fold some clothes. I'd also love to talk to E again. She's very beautiful, like her smile is real, and it's one of those big toothy smiles but all her teeth are white so it's great. I'm not falling in love with her, not like love-love, but what adults do feel when they want to follow their dreams.
8:04 AM
Whenever I started here I always thought about what a montage of my time here would be like one second of each day. The only day I'm certain about is the second day I was here. It'd be a beautiful shot in a movie, I was looking at the pictures I brung here and we were at ease, so I wasn't talking - but something about this picture of me and my mom when we finished this Sparatan Race, it just made me start to tear up and there I was, sitting still with tears streaming down my face.
12:07 PM
I'm not gonna lie, this whole thing kills me. I don't like being away from home but there is a lot riding on this place, I am not going back to high school. I was miserable there, I'd always talk about how much I hated school and how I wanted to go to MCA, but right now, being stuck in this very moment, sucks. I can't leave, I really can't. [redacted]. I'm really hungry I'm really sad too. I want to be home, I want to eat subway. It's not a matter of homesickness, it's a matter of I can't wait for this to be over. I imagine myself in August or something, working at subway and cleaning the front while the sun is set and there's no one in there except for me.
12:32 PM
It's snowing outside. I have this song stick in my head, "Cough It Out" by The Front Bottoms, they're amazing. E loves that band too. I love her too. I have a habit of playing guitar all the time. I kind of lose myself in guitar. But I always play Front Bottoms songs and E would go crazy for it. She goes crazy for me too, she just doesn't show it. Like she tries not too but she does. I remember the first time me and her facetimed, it was around 6 PM and I was playing Minecraft and she was playing something else. I really wish I would've went to MCA Sophomore Year, or the last class. There was a lot of bullshit I could've avoided, and I feel like I just wasted last year It's weird how time flies, it's also weird how slow it can crawl too. Like right now, I feel like I'll never get out of here. I can't do anything but progress incrementally here. I just miss a lot of things right now. There's these two girls I was in love with. H and K. H overstayed her welcome and K didn't stay long enough. I could tell you all sorts of things about them, good things. Like how K's eyes gleamed, how they were beautiful, etc. I remember the week before me and K broke up, I was working so hard on myself. I remember how she looked when me and her were napping. One moment I am hugging her goodbye (not knowing it will be the last time) and the next I'm here, missing her.
4:30 PM
This place has a weird way of making me feel better, I need to figure out a game plan for when I'm sad. I've noticed that the thing that brightens up my day the most is doing stuff I wanted to do when I was a kid. But today, I just couldn't do it. I mean I could do everything but I was still feeling down but today they gave us snacks. Nothing amazing or groundbreaking but they gave us snacks for making it through the first week of Acclimation, which is a proper noun. That made me happy. I'm going to church tonight, I'm not religious or anything, but I might as well if it helps the time fly by. There's only 21 weeks left, in two weeks it'll be 19 weeks, that seems like nothing to me, it really doesn't. I used to do this thing where I would run 4 miles everyday, and I didn't think that was a lot, but I guess to some people, a mile is a lot. Let me tell you all I got here because I don't think y'all know how this came about. So, I'd heard about MCA throughout middle and high school and I'd never considered it. I'd never considered anything other than music. But I've done dumb sh-t all throughout high school, 9th grade I dated H and all throughout 10th grade I was just lazy. Every now and then I'd get a spark in me and I'd do a bunch of positive things then I'd slip. But 11th grade, I stopped caring and I was miserable, I wasn't getting anything out of anything. Then one day the idea to go to military school popped into my head and I kept researching it and telling people and I was so excited. I didn't really know what to expect, I probably would've ate a lot more subway if I had. But here I am now, and this is the first major adult decision I've made. I'm really proud of myself, but I gotta keep being proud and sticking through this. I'll be out by June, and when I get home, I'm gonna make a box with all my MCA stuff in it. It'll probably have all my normal things in it (that can fit) like my canteen, letters from home, my worn out folder, etc. It's only been 8 days but this folder's tore up. My box will also have my journals in it. I wonder when the next time I'll read these words will be. That always blows my mind, when the next time I'll do something will be. Wondering when the last time I'll do things blows my mind too. I want to write a song, and in that song I want to have a lyric along the lines of: "If I could only live my life in memories of you, I wonder when things would end."
January 20th, 2020
7:14 AM
Today is a holiday, they haven't haven't told us what holiday it is, but it is a holiday. January 20th. In two days a president will be sworn in, I'm not sure if it'll be trump or someone else. Yesterday, everyone started bullshitting about Iran. The teacher said that "there was some serious consideration in reopening the draft." I think the draft is dumb. Iran has since stepped down thou, they were trying to get Russia and China involved, that would cause WWIII. I don't like war. Not one part of it. I'm an anarchist, I think. I don't know much about anarchy but I believe our morals shouldn't be based around capitalism. I believe in love and guns, love is the top priority though, guns are a defense mechanism . If everyone pursued happiness and channeled that energy into something constructive, we'd be a more culturally understanding world. Imagine how many beautiful books would be written, how many beautiful things would be painted. The thing that really kills me about the country is how much bullshit went into making it. The idea that every man is created equal enless you are black, female, poor, gay, etc. is very absurb. In To Kill A Mockingbird, there's this kid named Jem, and he breaks his arm at the beginning of the book and it heals all effed up, and even thou he can still use his arm, it's still all effed up. That's an obvious symbol for racism in America, this country was founded with racism in it's heart, intentional or not, but still how much healing we do, america's version of equality is still messed up. I need read that book when I get home.
*** Editor's Note: 11.23.2025: January 20th, 2020 was not a holiday and there was no election or swearing in. The Election did not take place until November 3rd, 2020 - when I was home from military school. It was the first election I took part in.***
7:53 AM
I don't know how long I'll be able to write but I've got a lot on my mind. There is this book, The Catcher in the Rye. It's about this kid going to New York after flunking all his classes at this place called Pency. The kid after going to New York ends up in a psych ward.
12:33 PM
Sorry that last entry cut off so quick, we did some closed order frills. But as I was saying, the book is about everything that leads up to him going to this psych ward. Maybe I'm being a b-tch, but I did relate to that book. The main character's name is Holden. I have that book marked up all over the place, there's so many great quotes in it. I read the first 40 pages during New Years Eve. My New Years was nothing grand, but it was really something. I listened to this song called Nights by Frank Ocean, and I don't know what it's actually about but it is magical. Anyway, on New Years, I was laying in bed back at home and I'd seen a couple memes about playing this song at a specific time on New Years and that the switch in said song would play just as it was turning midnight. And it did, it was very nice. I read the rest of Catcher in the Rye and around 2 AM, I went to bed. That was about 11 days before I came here. This place makes me feel like I'm in a psych ward, maybe if I pretend like it is, the time would go faster. They don't have church in the psych ward. They really don't.
6:07 PM
There was a fight (almost).
8:15 PM
I'm not too sure what the actual time is. Today has went terribly, not for me personally, but the whole company. We're at ease, but we're never really "at ease." They're not, I don't mean to make it sound like I'm the best kid in the platoon, but I'm pretty close. We'll probably get smoked but that's not my concern for right now. It won't be my concern then either. I'm very strong and I'm able to detach myself from a lot. We were in the chow hall and there was this girl, she has her head shaved. There's this song by Jeffery Lewis called "Where's This Machine?" and it's about how we have all these amazing machines but when it comes down to simple, molecular emotions - we're absolutely clueless. It's a beautiful song, but you have to watch this whole video with it. I can't find that song anywhere else except for that video. It's a nice video. I think he's in France (Jeffrey Lewis). I'm not too sure. Jeffrey Lewis plays this acoustic guitar that he turned electric, and he's playing this song in a park, and no one seems to care. The most beautiful moments that happen in life, no one pays attention to. Like romance, everyone always talks about these great, crazy romances, but what always get me is watching people fall in love. Like when people are laughing and giggling but it's love, it's the sweetest thing, objectively. If it were up to me, everyone would have that kind of romance and it wouldn't end until you died. But, people never notice anything. That's a quote from Catcher in the Rye, I love that book. This place really does feel like a psych ward, You hear a lot of things you don't really want to hear. A lot of yelling, there's been about two fights (almost) but none of them have actually happened. A lot of screaming. There's this kid named Rosenberry, and he's real scary. He's very ripped. There's a fight brewing in my bay. There's a lot of borderline goofballs here. I wonder if these goofballs have had giggle romances, I wonder if they've ever had their hearts broken, I wonder what kind of cartoons they watched as kids. Or YouTube videos. God, YouTube videos from 2013 are like my favorite thing. It's probably the closest we'll ever get to time travel. Someone just ran out - nevermind, no they didn't. It was Rosenberry. The main cadre here started laughing. So much is going on. It must be an awful night for the staff. I think about that sort of thing too much.
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