February 28th, 2020
8:02 AM
Yesterday was the first time I called my bed my "home away from home." Today has been rather busy, so I forgot all my madman sh-t, however I think I'll remember it all by first class. See, I actually want to take on this shiz, because I think I'm ready for it. Also Turley said "Shumate, post," and it was the greatest thing I ever did hear. But I'm going to talk to E today, and I'll let you know in the barracks. I wonder if I'll have any mail today, I really hope I have a letter or something from my mom so I can be a little less confused. I'm going to talk to E about if she wants me to write her a letter. I hope she still likes me, I really hope she hasn't moved on like I have. My fingers are bleeding really bad. I've decided when I get home that I'm going to eat whatever I want, but I'll also work out a lot and do lots of pushups. I might smoke a little bit. Honestly, the first week I'm going to be the laziest bastard. I want to continue a little journal, and I also want to read a lot. Not too much, my main focus is I want to have a lot of fun. I want to draw a lot more and make some weird art. I also want to keep up a calendar and pray once a day. I used to be agnostic, but now I believe in a god. I believe there is a god, humans just can't understand it. I pray to the lord and I like Jesus pretty well, plus that's the only religion I really understand, so that's who I'll pray to. Sunday is the first day of March, I wonder if that's a sign of things to come. I remember one time I thought I was going through a psychotic episode because I read that one of symptoms of a psychotic episode was "appling greater meaning to oridnary events," which I've always done sh-t like that. I wonder what will happen with this place when I get really used to it, then I'll wait to leave, then I'll be home. I feel pretty bad because I'm getting used to this "quasimilitary environment" and I know it's because at some level I'm preparing for disaster. I swear everything will get sorted out, I'm just real impatient. I wonder what my mom's gonna say in her letters. I wonder what my dad and Chris will say. I wonder what E will say. It's all a damn mystery.11:07 AM
I'm in science right now. I'm currently freaking out because I'm really thinking about enlisting. I'm going to sp12:17 PM
I am not going to enlist, I am over my minicrisis. I might join the military, but I probably won't enlist while I'm here. Sergant D told me he was going to talk to me, and I got really excited and I was going to immediately enlist in something and go to MEPs and it was going to break E and my mom's heart because I really want to join the army. We had our latrine break, and I meet up with Sergant D and I get real excited, and the he asks me what I want to do after I graduate. And I told him, "I'd like to enlist but I've been talking to this girl and it's not that serious but-." Then I heard them. Atleast 3 of the RPM audibly groaned and atleast one clear vocalization of the phrase "oh, god." Sergant D laughed and to be fair what I did say was pretty lame, but oh well. He then asked what I thought about schooling if I went into the military. I told him I wanted to do Active Duty then do my schooling. I didn't know I wanted to do it when I said it but I did, and that was it. I left the room, filled with embarrassment. I walked into science, trying my hardest not to cry, and I was still super freaked out. Being the impatient bastard I am, I still wanted to enlist and I was going to split my phone call to tell my mom I was going to enlist and this and that and then Strahin asked me to pick up her pencil and we both smiled at each other, we've been doing that a lot. I don't think it means anything. But anyway, at some point my brain said "what's the rush?" and I calmed down a little. There is no point in rushing those things, I've got all the time in the world, and the way things are, I should just let things go and see where the world takes me. I think it is a little fucked up that they laughed at me, right in front of me. Not D, he was nice about it. But the worst thing about being my age is when you're concerned about something and someone says it's teenage bullshit, they never offer up any useful advice alongside it. Growing up is hard because everyone thinks you'll just grow out of your problems, but the thing with me is I never know where I really am, so I don't know what really matters or what's really important, but when 3 people groan and another says "oh god," it really makes you wonder if everything in your head is just teenage bullshit and you never know how to stop thinking in terms of teenage bullshit.This'll be a real short one but we just got our library books. Well now we're in the barracks. We already took showers so now I'm all squared away and it feels real nice. I hope I got some mail but my hopes aren't too high. If I don't have any mail, I'll be fine. But if I do, it'll be great. I got For Whom the Bell Tolls by Hemingway. It's actually really good and after I read it, I'll read David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. Mr. Walton's gonna PT us sometime soon. I'm still real confused, but I'm having fun. I'm just going to chill out and see how things go with E, and I'll see what my dad and Chris say. But if you want to know the truth, I'll just see what I want when I get home. The most important thing right now is to get my license.
I just got off the phone with E. I'm definitely overthinking things. She really does like me, I'm just being goofy. She was hanging out with her buddy Shawn. Usually I would break my own damn heart over something like that, but if she was cheating on me she wouldn't be writing me letters. I swear I can be my own worst enemy. E told me to write her and that she's been real busy. I was thinking about her and I thought to myself "I can really do this." Me and her will probably book a hotel sometime in August. She's having so much fun with her life and I'm freaking out about everything. I need to ask my mom how I can stop being so confused and self destructive. I should come up with a plan. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I don't think E's going to break my heart. I'm going to do some PT and read some, I might write a little if I'm still f-cked up. Why do I get so f-cked up over little things?
February 29th, 2020
11:50 AM
Finally the last day of February. From here the days will start to feel like they count I've made it real far and I'm proud of myself. I feel a lot better today, I wrote E a letter and it's real damn good. We just weighed in, I still weigh 137 which blows my mind because I'm always starving. I wonder what my psychical peak will be. I guess it depends if I join the military or not. Then it depends on what branch I go into. I'd like to join the army. The air force and the army are my two favorites. My uncle Chris was in the army. Him and my dad are my biggest role models. Which I don't know why, they're not big readers and they don't know anything about about books or art. I guess what I look up to is the fact that they are regular guys with normal jobs and they know a hell of a lot about their jobs, but they really do love the people they love. I know they love me because they talk to me the same way I talk to the people I love. They don't do that shit I do in the barracks where I'll try to act like everything's a joke and I'll deepen my voice, really I'm trying to sound like I'm in the gd army. Maybe that's why I like Ernest Hemingway so much. I don't want to live this for the rest of my life. I think I'm just going through a phase, if I went to Chicago with E, I'd be happy and if I join the army I'd be happy. It's suppose to be a win win but I'm so confused I can't see that. Mr. Teets told me I could be in the army. I freaked him out when I had that panic attack. That's the thing about the army, if I were to get hurt real bad I couldn't think about mom or anybody. I'd end up making things real personal and my heart would die before I actually died and that's a fate worse than death. If I joined the army I'd probably end up like Fredrick Henry or Robert Jordan. Every Hemingway novel is the same and I'm on my teenage bullsh-t again.2:10 PM
We're in the DFACT now, we had OA and I did a lot of pushups. Our side of the company has been real good today. I've a lot of water. I got to thinking about some and I just want to jot it down while I remember. It's going to sound depressing, but I swear I'm not trying to sound depressed. I remember when me and K were together she came over and she asked me to play guitar for her. Embarrassingly, I played some Burzum riffs for her and she covered up the fretboard and told me "play something sweeter." I don't know if that really happened or if I'm lying to myself. Then I remember I dated this girl, DM. For one month barely. All we ever did was lay in her bed. The only time we did something besides smooch and talk about jiu jitsu and her mom walked in and we all laughed. It was our only beautiful moment that I can describe. That's one of my main problems, I have all these beautiful memories in my head. But I couldn't describe them in the same detail. Like I could tell you about DM's bedroom and the significance it has in my head, but I can't tell you how it felt to be in that moment without bullsh-tting you. I'd like to say I was in a moment of clarity, but like I've said, I wouldn't know a moment of clarity if it hit me in the head. There has been a couple times in which I was like "oh, I am in the moment," then it would be over. And that's how my life has been since I can remember since I can remember and I don't think it'll ever change. I can tell you about a lot of things that I've done, but it doesn't feel like I really did them. I feel like I'm forever floating in my head. But recently I've been trying to make time move as fast possible. I am an engline rolling through endless revisions of who I used to be. I just read a little bit but I got thinking about this AJJ song and this lyric; "All my dead friends are cheering me on, and if it's inside your head, don't let them tell you that you're wrong" and I hear it in my head and I think about this road I used to run/ride my bike on. There was a time which was perfect to ride and that was early in the morning like around 9, when the dew was fresh and the sun was just waking up and you know that you were in a beautiful moment. I miss things like that. I miss when things were real vivid and beautiful, every is real muted and grey and baige or however you spell it. I think that atmosphere will change after I graduate. The world is a place that is filled with lovely moments. I'm in love with the world. That's probably why I'm so depressed. If I'm in love with something, I always get real depressed about it.That was the first dinner to fill me up in any sort of manner in a long, long time. It was Teriyaki Salmon, some kind of real grainy rice, my normal salad with this butter-esque dressing, a delicious brownie with vanilla dressing, various vegetables with tiny corn cobs and an apple. When I was finishing up the sun set came in, it looked so pretty. The sunset reminded me of E and how her hair seems to gleam in it. I don't really know cause I've never met her in person. But I bet she'd look real pretty. I've had a real good day. I've felt fine the whole day and the best part is, it's almost over. Tomorrow's the first day of March. Once you get through January, February, and March - it's literally the same thing but in reverse. One full month of nothing happening, the next month you get a leave, and then you're there until the 12th. There's two months of nothing happening other then TASC prep and getting closer to graduation. 62 days I believe and the first couple weeks of March I'll be waiting on a response from E and my mom and Chris and my dad. Lately I've been trying to work out more, I've been doing a lot of pushups. I hope I stay this way so I can do really good in morning PT. I have this vision in my head of me waking up, excited for PT and it looks great.. I also think I wanto to start meditating again and I really want to focus on visualization. That's where the "happy place" thing comes from. I could imagine that I'm at my house in my bed. I remember when I was a couple years younger whenever I was in 7th grade, I'd stay up and watch this thing called Toonami until 3AM. I wouldn't really watch it, I'd just play on this tablet I hada for a long time and I'd look through 4chan or watch LeafyIsHere, and I didn't know it at the time, but I'd miss it like hell. What I really think would be nice would be to go back to the moment where I'd think "one last video" and I'd watch it, and then I'd put the tablet away, and I'd actually watch what was on TV. It was usually One Piece or I'd switch over to the west coast broadcast, which plays whatever was playing 3 hours prior to the east coast boardcast - and I'd do that to feel a little nostalgia for the person I was a couple hours before then and I'd drift off the sleep. I miss that. I don't know why this got me thinking about this but before my parents had me, they had a miscarriage. I don't know the details but I'd like to think the baby was a girl. I think that's my guardian angel and in a way I think me and her grew up together. I think of her as my older sister and I believe she watches over me and kinsley. I never got to meet her but I know she helps me with a lot. If there's something really important I can usually remember how it'd look from someone else's point of view. Maybe that's her? Like my first memory is of my grandma pushing me a little toy car thing, and I remember it from a first person and like a third person point of view for some reason. I like to think she helps me remember things. I'm really not alone. I have a lump in my throat while writing this, but I think it's going away. If you want to know the truth, I just want to cry to show someone the realization I made. We're watching the movie Logan right now, there was a scene with Wolverine running and Vankirk said "that's Turley." I don't care much for Vankirk and his goofy glasses, but his recognition of Turley was sweet. Mr. Cosner just announced who failed their wall locker exam thing. I passed but Shumaker did not. Shumaker has been the worst this week. I really miss my guitar. I'll have my mom send me a picture of it. There is a lot I plan on doing I just hope I remember it all. I'm just going to read tonight and take it easy. I've got a lot of work done today. "Hard work makes the time go by." That song is by Paul Baribeau. I love Paul Baribeau. There's another Paul Baribeau lyric I put on my SnapChat story awhile ago about E, it goes "to say that you are pretty, is like saying the the ocean is blue, because the ocean is filled all kinds of colors and I see all kinds of things when I look at you." I really meant and it made her heart melt. There's one last Paul Baribeau lyric that I will leave you with before I get my night time clothes. Also my arms are real tired from all the overhead arm claps Mr. Cosner made us do. "You're here for a reason. You're living and breathing, and one day you'll find out why." If I love you, I miss you 'cause I probably haven't seen you in a long, long time."