February 26th, 2020
Shit'll - contraction for "shit will"
Ex: That shit'll suck.
Shit'll is a term coined by Christian Shumate sometime in early February of 2020. I was thinking today and if I was here last class, the date would've been August 26th, 2019. I wonder if someone in the next class will ever think of something similar. My half birthday is April 23rd, so there is another holiday to celebrate. I know it isn't good to count the days like I do, but it really is fun and it is sort of rewarding to be farther along then I was yesterday. I'm real excited for library today, since last week I didn't get it. Quarantine was a b-tch, if you want to know the truth. Yesterday I got really far in WIN, I'm almost finished with all of it. We have to be passed level 4 by Week 13, which I'll be really happy once I pass week 13, it's week 7 right now 4 weeks till our halfway point. But like I said, April is the start of Endgame. We're in enrichment right now, turns out we don't have library today which blows. However we do have library on Friday so atleast that gives something else to look forward to. I'm a little bit bummed, but if you want to know the truth, being bummed makes the time go slower - and I don't want that to happen. I'm thinking about my math rock project and how cool it'll be. I want it to be called Mortal Recoil, I want there to be a huge metal influence, like that Rob Scallon video, Djazz. We just got called for a job challenge thing, it's funny how they are already preparing for next class, that means we'll be out of here in no time. Fisher was beside me when they were applications and you should've seen how much I did not care. I looked like Squidward with his "I really don't want to be here" pin.12:07 PM
It's finally lunchtime. I am real proud of myself for making it through the day, today they should actually hand out mail. I think that;s what depressed the hell out of me yesterday, I'd been working so hard to stay positive and things just didn't work out. Like I was real excited for mail and library, then it got postponed. I've been a little sad today, however I'm getting a little better- I've been real nice to people today, I have Winter's Love by Animal Collective stuck in my head, which is always a really good sign, that song is filled with joy. I've also had some Scared of Bears and Beach Bunny songs stuck in my head. In our RPM class, they told us our stomaches will probably shrink - I don't want my stomach to shrink. I've had a lot of ideas for music come up recently. I'm depressed as hell currently. Lunch would've been great, however, I sat at the wrong table. I told Mr. Hughes and he just told me to stuff it all down. It's not that big of a deal, but Jesus giggling Christ. I do everything I am askede of and when it comes to chow and mail and whatever else - I get the short end of the stick and bastards like Tharp get the good stuff. I can't wait to get out of here, I've been excited about so much stuff and none of it has worked out. I'm feeling a little better since I wrote this down, but I'm still depressed. Could've been the best meal of my life too. What kills me is the only time I've felt truly romantically loved is when I was with D. She messaged my mom about her missing me and I thought it was really sweet that someone like her missed me. People probably do miss me, I just can't tell. I don't think that well of myself. I'm always getting into something and then wanting out. Like with this place, I'm feeling really down, I can't think about it too much. I really want to cry right now but I know I can't. I really don't want my stomach to shrink. I want things to get back to the way they were. I wonder if I'll ever get out of herer, that's the worst part, it feels like I've never been anywhere else. I have a real bad brain sometimes and now I feel like I'm just finding memories. I don't know if that makes any sense. It just doesn't feel like I've ever been free, like this has been my whole life and will continue to be my whole life. A cog in the machine.I'm in math right now, class is almost over so this will be short. I'm really sad and I have this song stuck in my head. I don't know what it's called but it is by this band called Worst Party Ever. There's a lyric in the chorus - "you're stomping on the flower that grew up on the side walk, and the concrete's the only home it's got." That's how I feel.
This'll be another short paragraph because I'm in Ms. Chidester's class. I got in trouble because I was doodling on my folder, she called me "front row guy." I guess that's better than "meathead" or "you." I really like Shumate, but I'd really love it if someone would just call me by my first name, Christian. I'm feeling a little better, I have this Daniel Johnston song stuck in my head, it's called Chord Organ Blues. I was doodling it when I got in trouble, it's got a lyric that goes "I've made a big mistake," but it's really goofy, and it's exactly how I feel at this moment.
4:37 PM
I'm in an ASVAB prep class. I have two more classes left today, something to help pass the time even more.Ok, great news, the ASVAB class lets out before dinner so we get to skip our BS time in the barracks. I'm so ready for some chow, I won't sit at the wrong place this time, I promise. There's a decent pile of mail in the center of the floor, I'm real excited. I'm so glad today is over. They're already working on the mail, halleljuah. I'm watching very intently on the actions of all the cadre because I want to be very aware of the mail, this could possibly be the most attentive I have ever been in my life. I just got back from dinner, I inhaled it. I didn't even get that good of a seat. However, I still ate everything on the plate. You should've seen the way I ran when I saw Mr. Cosner reading off the mail, funnily enough I don't have any mail today. I'm not upset or anything, some kids never get mail. My day has been chaotically comical. I'm just ready for bed. I think my expectations for march are too high, but it'll be fine. I don't expect my life to get a lot better but I think it'll be easier to see the end goal. My short term goal is 3/13 (our halfway point). My intermediate goal is 4/19 & 4/20 (my mom's birthday and the weed holiday) and my long term goal is 5/22 and 6/12, that's second leave and graduation. Stump finally has D-Squad, so much has happened in the past two days. I've felt very overwhelmed the past couple days but I'll work through it. I was thinking today, and I wonder how different I will be on graduation, like I wonder if my interests will change at all, or if my thought process will change at all. I mean I don't expect to be gd private pile or anything but I wonder if there'll be a difference from 2/26 me to 6/13 me. If you want to know the truth, I really hope I dont turn into some idiot, I highly doubt I will though, I think I've reached the peak of my f-ckery. I believe the peak of my f-ckery is a tie between 7th and 8th grade me, and the me before I came here, when I was a real jerk. Maybe one day I'll get in a mood and write my whole life story like I did with my first leave. It's raining very heavily at the present moment. There's a line in a Front Bottoms song about rain and about West Virginia that say "the farther you go from where you start, the harder it is to get back." There is another version of that song called Katana, that says "If I wanna figure things out, I gotta get real, real confused, I'm just trying figure out what I started, I'm just doing what I need to do." I usually live vicariously through Front Bottoms' songs but what bothers me about that song is the next line is "love of my life, gone forever." I really hope that isn't E. I'd like to think of K when I remember that line. But I don't know. I'm really worried things won't work out with E and I'll end up doing something really stupid, and by that I mean I'll end up joining the darn military. I mean it's something I'd like to do, but it's one of those things where I'd be excited till I'm there. I'm confusing like that. Tomorrow is Thursday, that's really hard to believe that the day after that will be Friday. Then Sunday it will be the first day of March. Writing that felt like I was opening up a can of Dr. Pepper. Week 8 is almost over. 13 more weeks My math might be off by a week or two. I'm really excited for that ASVAB class, it makes me feel like I'm doing something very important with my future, honestly - I'd hate to do this thing all over again. I heard that basic training is actually better than MCA. I really wouldn't like to find out. I'd hate to spend the next couple years in the desert or singing cadences about killing people and war, I both hate and love marching because I feel like I'm in a darn war movie. I'm a big darn actor. I'm really cut out for the customer service industry. Our hospitality teacher told us yesterday, "as bad as it sounds, it really is about faking it." I think that's the whole damn thing about Kingwood. I'd hate to live here. Everyone in Kingwood seems mean. In Beckley, everyone's stupid, but they are seminice. I''d rather be home, yesterday I tried to enjoy my time here and I tried to convince myself that I want to be here but it started messing with my head. There's a lot that messes with my head, and I guess there's a lot I'm not ready to think about. I'm not too sure what to do about that, it isn't too bad. I guess it's okay not to be ready to talk about something. I wasn't ready to think about. I'm not too sure what to do about that, it isn't too bad. I guess it's okay not to be ready to talk about some things. I wasn't ready to talk about my dad and then one day it was just like picking a scab, now I can't wait to hear from dad. I wonder what I'll figure out by June 12th. I've got a long road ahead.
We're in the barracks. Another day is down. I'm trying to save up 154 dollars, youn wouldn't believe, but I already have 46 dollars. I'm not too sure what I'm saving up for. I'm real silly. I've been thinking of all these cartoons inside my head. One is this foxlike creature and he's always saying "you will feel better, Christian!" He's a sweet bastard and he always calls me by my first name. I drew another where it's the giant man with laser vision and he's terrorizing a town, but he's also saying I'll feel better. It makes me feel like a kid again and if I ever feel low but I know it's an easy fix, I'll just do something I wanted to do when I was a kid like draw cartoons or cuff my jeans. I really can't wait till I get home and I can eat normally again and I can wear normal clothes. I might just end up fattening up a little bit when I get home. Funnily enough there's a painting in the Camp Dawson hotel called "Goin' Home" and that's what I might call that song I'm writing that goes from D major to G minor. It's a real pretty paint and I'm honestly so in awe of who I will be on 6/13, like I wonder what will change. I know I will be a hell of a lot more grateful. They say that you do change here, but the thing about changing is that you never really notice you've changed, you always feel like you've been the same. It's crazy how things change. I wonder how much I've grown up since this time last year. I wish there was an honest way to measure those things, but there isn't People never tell you anything. Cadet Slinky. Always asking to recover. Cadet Slinky isn't a real person. He's just someone Bay 6 made up. One time Swain said "Bay Slinky, file out." I damn near pissed myself laughing.