This Tuesday was the first day of my three day seminars which detail my degree's residency. I was slightly late not due to the 30 minute drive but to the commuter parking lot being a significant distance away from the building we were having the seminars in. By the time I made it to the actual building, I was sweating bullets. Anyways, we started the seminar and got our placement information and then a lawyer stopped by and gave a presentation, which I found slightly interesting. I ended up talking to him a great deal once we were dismissed from the seminar to go to lunch, I was very nervous to be around all the new people and I was definitely running out of breath whilst talking to lawyer about all my nerdy Law knowledge (that I've gathered from several rewatchings of Matt Orchard YouTube Videos). I mentioned to the lawyer guy about the importance of remaining silent and all those parroted JCS lines and how I've told them to my dad due to my dad being very pro-cop and pro-self-defense and I worry if he were ever to be in a self-defense situation like that he would talk too much. I told this sort of hap-hazardly to the lawyer and I did not articulate it as well as my anxiety was bad and the lawyer guy said, "does your dad get in trouble a lot?" Which I thought was funny. I replied to him with the full explanation about my dad's goofiness. Me and the lawyer guy had a good conversation, although I am sure he came away thinking I was a bit neurotic (which I am).
After me and the lawyer's conversation, I went to the university's Subway and called my mom to expel some of my nerves. The seminar let out at about 2PM and I headed to work, however, I got stuck in traffic and didn't arrive at work until 3:18PM. I worked until 6:30PM and then I was so worn out that I went to bed around 8:30PM.
On Wednesday, I was late to the seminars, however it was not too bad. I sat in the same place as the day before and there were a few new faces at my table. Before lunch, I ended up talking to a guy who we will call T. T is a cool, slightly redneck window salesman working through a biology degree. He said something along the lines of "I don't really want to eat lunch in alone you want to go somewhere," which I said yes to. Ofcourse we went to the campus Subway, and he offered to pay, which I thought was nice but when he offered I had already paid. Me and him talked about college and all sorts of things and he told me about his wife, which I thought was sweet. I am unsure if T was older or just taller than me, but a large portion of my university's population is married or at the very least, engaged. My university is not a party school like similar universities in WV, so this most likely draws in a more somber and committed crowd. I've done all my schooling online, so I've never really interacted with the campus too much until this week. The campus reminded me of 4H Camp, which poses the question that a lot of colleges face in the digital age: What is the point of in-person college? With the advantages and ease of learning through the internet schooling, what is there to say in a way of staying on campus? I wonder as an older student; I feel like for students 18-20, especially those not as attuned to certain responsibilities that in-person college requires, however, I can't help but feel like in a lot of aspects that dorm-living-college-life provides seem to delay the process of growing up for a short while. This isn't to say that this is college's purpose but I believe a lot of students do enroll for this purpose (if only for a side benefit). But should we really blame those students for wanting to enjoy their life a little before entering the often soul-crushing, labor-intensive, irony-infested world of the American workforce? I honestly do not know, and this question filled my head the day as I travelled to work and sat in traffic and went home and set my alarm for the next morning.
On Thursday, there was more of the same. Thursday was the last day of seminars and they let us out around 11AM, which was nice. I stuck around the conference hall for a moment to talk to some of my professors I had only known as talking faces in an embedded MP4 in Blackboard for the past 3 years, which was nice and certainly instilled a sense of pride that 21-year-old freshmen would've been giddy about. I worked about half-of-a-day before heading home. There was a crash right in front of my local Dollar General, so I took the interstate.
Once home, I celebrated my seminars being over by playing Minecraft and calling Kyra until I went to bed. It was nice.
On Friday, I worked and picked up my buddy and Blue Shell Guitarist Ryan. We went to Silverdale and got our stuff and headed towards Huntington. We took a very nice scenic route that actually saved time and me and Ryan listened to Attic Abasement, which is a very good band. We arrived at the venue, named The Loud at around 7PM. The Loud is the venue Brian Sella and Emperor X played that I mentioned in Blog Entry #18. We loaded our equipment into the venue and we relaxed for a little bit before the show started.
The show started around 8:30PM, DamNear was the first band that played. The band was very good and the lead singer played bass with only his middle finger, which was interesting to watch. They covered I'm Not Okay by My Chemical Romance which I did enjoy.
The second band that played was UnderSoil, and I really enjoyed their set. Their original vocalist and bass player were unable to go to the show, so only one guitarist and the drummer played along to some of their tracks alongside the bass track. They did really well, even without their vocalist and drummer. Essentially their situation was if Ryan and Kyle were unable to play with Blue Shell for a show (that's our guitarist and vocalist btw), and me and Dylon (our drummer) just had to play all the songs.
After UnderSoil, Blue Shell played. Our set went well and it was very energetic and we had a good time - and honestly we had the most energy (audience wise) the whole night, which was cool. I did some cool moves and what not and it was fun. There was a photographer and during a rest in one our songs I took a picture of the photographer which was funny, Here's a picture of the interaction:
After our set, I was depressed. In all honesty, I was tired from the week and I missed Kyra a lot. There was this telephone booth that I remember me and J took pictures in and that bugged me and reminded me that she did me wrong. It just bugged me because it was a physical reminder of that let down and waste of my time. My dad gets really annoyed when people laugh at jokes or things that he doesn't find funny or understand why people are laughing at something. This behavior most likely stems from some middle school insecurity and/or bullying and/or incident; which is more than understandable (although, it is a behavior I wish he would acknowledge and work past). I point this out as I think the reason why the J period bugged me so much was that I was doing all this work and had spent the year (2025) working hard at college and all this stuff and I had this idea that things were shaping up and I felt like I had been working essentially my whole life towards this sense of stability and normalcy that seems to come so easy to jocks within that period and you could say I was projecting those ideas onto J, but she did lead me on into that false hope. The point I've building up to is that when J broke up with me and when she started ignoring my feelings prior to the breakup, it wasn't just the neglect of my feelings and the actual breaking up that hurt; it was that I was led to believe things were stable when in reality I was falling into a trap that would lead to relive the hurt and rejection and loneliness I spent my whole childhood and adolescence going through. When those feelings of hurt popped up, it wasn't that I was sad a girl was ignoring me or that a girl was breaking up with me - it was that all of sudden I had went from a guy who had spent the past 10 years fighting through anxiety and depression and doubt and all this garbage and made it out on the other side to be positive and try to share those positive ideas in song to being brought back down to the same kid in 7th grade being stood up for a date and sitting alone in the mall, the same kid in 8th grade giving a girl a poem just to be laughed at, the same kid whose song he wrote and sung for a girl is played on a speaker at a party he wasn't even considered being invited to just be a cheap laugh. All these experiences have been internalized and while I'd like to say I've moved past them in some way (I haven't thought about those experiences a whole lot), I do believe that familiar pain is somewhere deep in my bones like how my dad gets annoyed when someone laughs at something he doesn't understand.
I wasn't really thinking about this whilst I was depressed, I was avoiding looking at the telephone booth itself and I missed Kyra immensely. I did think about how I would articulate this depression in this blog, which is the purpose of the long rantish quality of the above passage. I think it's important to articulate those sorts of things, I think a lot of young men have had similar experiences.
After our set, Torches From Above played and they were very good. During this set, I got some bad news related to work - so that contributed to my physical depression. Their set was very good though and I did enjoy listening to their post-hardcore-melodic tunes and I hope to catch them one day when I'm in a more upbeat mood.
After Torches, the show was over and I packed up and waited to leave. Meg (Dylon's girlfriend) asked if I was okay, which was nice of her, I just told her I was tired (which was true, and to be honest I was more over dramatic than anything). Blue Shell talked to the other bands, however, I did not have the energy to really interact with anyone (I felt bad for this). One of the band members mentioned that I was "kind of quiet," which was true, but I hope they know I was tired and a little sad and that I really enjoyed all the bands.
When me and Ryan left The Loud, I knew I had to listen to some Xiu Xiu and The Glow pt. 2. Xiu Xiu in particular helped me a lot with my depression; The song "Sad Redux-o-grapher_ in particular helped out with helping articulate and know my feelings were not uncommon. I was so tired and Ryan ended up falling asleep on the way home. I dropped Ryan off at around 2:33AM and made it home around 3AM.
On Saturday, me and Kyra and my mom had a great day. Kyra and my mom are two of my favorite people ever (my sister and grandma are also in this list) so being with them was nice. I told my mom about missing Kyra and being tired and my feelings about the telephone booth as a reminder - and me and her (my mom) both chalked it up to being tired and grumpy. Around 10AM, my mom and I went up to pick up Kyra. I talked to my mom about an idea I have for a song I want to write about her and her life and the message of the song being something along the lines of me and her living very similar lives (lonely childhoods, bad first relationships, etc.) and analyzing that sort of psychological microcosm. I also told my mom about how (similar to jokes) that the job of a well-written song is to take something big and abstract and emotive and make it condensed and articulable.
Me and my mom picked Kyra up and Kyra was wearing a very cute silk tracksuit. We went to China One and I ate some sushi which was very good and we went clothes shopping at Walmart and I got some new khakis and collared shirts. From here, we went to my mom's house and me and Kyra took a long nap. It was a nice little nap and me and Kyra left around 4PM.
Me and Kyra went to Qdoba to eat and it was very good and then me and her went to Five Below, which was a nice trip. Me and her also got some Boba Tea which was good. Me and Kyra then went to her house and we watched some MTV Downtown and then me and her went to bed.
Me and Kyra slept well, and I took her to work this morning. She looked very pretty with her hair put up before work. I went to church this morning and it was nice. It was homecoming at church, which meant there were just some singers. My grandma brought her two sisters to church, which was wholesome as they acted like teenagers plus 50 years; which I thought was very sweet. After church, I went home and took a small nap before going to Blue Shell practice.
Blue Shell practice was nice - We have a new practice space that is really great. Blue Shell worked on a new song and it's going fairly well. After practice, we mostly talked until me and Ryan decided it was time to leave. I called my dad and then I called Kyra and we had a really good conversation about mental health and forgiving people who have wronged you. Specifically I paraphrase something I heard a monk say about how "everytime you dwell on how someone hurt you, you allow that person to hurt you once again," which is most likely advice I need to reread some more. I'm very proud of Kyra and she's very smart and kind and I love her a lot. I will see her this week, which I am very excited for. I always have so much fun when I am with her. She makes me very happy. I got home at about 8PM and I've been typing up this blog since.
It is now 10:23 PM, and I plan to post this blog and then go to bed. I am tired and I will get some good rest. Tazia (my boxer pup) is snoozing smoothly. This week is going to be busy, however I know I can make it through. Anyways, goodbye.