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February 22nd, 2020
7:08 AM
There's no mail today, that's alright though, it just means a couple days will pass. As long as the days are passing, I'll be fine. My arms are a little sore, I'm pretty sure I have to retake the P.T. test. Last month on this day, I'm pretty sure I thought the day was never going to end. But look at us now. I wonder what I'll do after graduation, like once I actually get home. I know it'll feel great, but that's a little ways away, not too long. This'll be my life until then and I'm going to accept that. I'm real excited for the library today. It feels like things are settling down, I like being here a lot more than the plague ward. Everything seems to be back to normal, and that makes me so happy. My wall locker is pretty squared away. I don't know if you know this or not but I got my old bunk back and everything. It started to freak me out being at the back of the bay. Especially when this weird looking guy from 1st platoon moved in. I hate my platoon sometimes, but the other platoons make my skin crawl. I hate seeing someone where I was supposed to be. Like I've come to accept K's new boyfriend who was once her old boyfriend is just each other's place. I might've been the rebound, but it doesn't matter. I hope I am E's place. Sometime's I say some goofy shiz , but I think she sees through that. She's my place. I think you all know this by now. She's so amazing. When I get home I'm going to watch some youtube, like old school gaming videos from my childhood. I feel a little alright, I need to get a little more positive. I've been thinking about music. I already have a band called "I Almost Died." Taylor drew a picture of Tharp and I really want to use it as album art. He also drew one of me, so I might use that one. I've got all the songs wrote, I just need to get a cajon for the percussion. The album will either be called "SHUMATE" or "THARP." I think those two fit the whole vibe of the album, I'll probably record the guitar parts on my Jackson electric guitar. It has that nice Negative XP sound to it. I was just thinking and what I'll probably do is, I'll get this AMPEG amp from Guitars Plus, it sounds nice with the right stuff. I'm real excited to make the album, it should be a real good debut. I'd really like a Microphones x Tera Melos kind of band called "Mortal Recoil." I think that would be badass as hell. But I was gonna make that album before I come here, but I never even started on it. That stuff with Roni and I, I almost went crazy. We just did our P.T. tests and it's 9:59 AM. We're in the DFACT and I'm being quiet as hell. I fell great though. I'm kind of just observing, I get a lot more talkative during OA, which we'll have after lunch. I feel real comfortable here. I'm not depressed or anything right now, but I am spaced out. I wonder if anyone can tell, I really don't think anyone cares about me here. I don't mean that in a depressing way, just no one seems to notice me. People never notice anything. I know my mom thinks about me, I know D and Ronnie do too. I really hope E does. I like her very much. It just sucks that I'm this idea in people's heads. I hope that makes sense. The whole concept of being is pretty dumb. I don' mean that in a negative way, it just sucks how I treated people. When I get home, I'll be sure to mean the things I say. When I was home on first leave, when I told people I loved them, I really meant it. I'm coming to the realization as I am writing this that I really am a normal person. I'm both very weak and very strong. I'm not able to zone this whole thing out like I planned, and that is okay. That;s what positive thinking is, it's not being 100% happy with the present moment but at the very least - accepting it. I need to meditate more and let certain emotions come over me. If you want to know the truth, I only have to get through March. And for the sake of the lord, after that all I'm doing is waiting to graduate. April is mostly just schooling, but there's 4/20 and easter, also my parent's-divorce-2-year-divorce-anniversary. That sounds awful, but my parents are definitely better off now because of it. I told the depressing story in one of my first journal entries but someday soon I'll write about all the good that came from it. I remember they told me, April 14th, 2018, I wrote this song called Clutches. When I get a real band together, I'll rewrite it with D. I want to make an album with her. When I get back. Maybe what I'll do is I'll get a drummer, and a keyboard player, and we'll record a Hellride Demon album. I could get Ronnie to do screams. I was gonna do homework, but I'm almost caught up so I'll be fine. I'm real excited for the rest of the day. Tonight should be movie night. Hopefully we have Mr. Cosner. He's the worst, and you really wouldn't want to meet him, but he's alright. He keeps things in order. I'm pretty exhausted, we just got back from lunch. I'm thinking about the library. I'm really excited for it. I'm not too sure what I'll read after East of Eden by John Steinbeck. You should've heard the ending to Of Mice & Men, it was good. Lennie get all excited about these rabbits and George starts telling him and tells Lennie to look out at the river, and just as George gets to the good stuff, Lennie blows his f-cking brains out. Hemingway and Steinbeck are real smart. The ending to Of Mice & Men and A Farewell to Arms was amazing. I'm gonna read For Whom the Bell Tolls because it's a pretty thick book and I like the way Hemingway writes. It can be calming. There's this song by Simon and Garfunkel, and it's for this movie, the Graduate, the movie is a real sack of sh-t, and the song is called "Mrs. Robinson" and I have the chorus stuck in my head. I gotta figure out when I am coming to Chicago. I'll send it in a letter on Monday, upstairs doesn't work on Saturday. It's real pretty outside, which is really good 'cause it'll make me feel 10x better about things. The sun is out and everything. Hopefully it stays that way and I stay feeling alright. Today was the first day I've felt normal is a long while. It's already February 22nd, we only have 4 weeks till we're halfway through the whole program. It's 2:31 PM currently, when we're allowed to move - I'll get some of my homework done. I'm thinking about songs for the new Album The two songs I've mainly been thinking about are "What Type Of Drugs Are You On" and "I Could Be Your Man." They're pretty good songs.
February 23rd, 2020
6:48 AM
I'm feeling great today, I mean I'm not in a crazy good mood but I'm no darn mad man. We're going to run our mile today, so that should be fun. I need to get my homework done, I'll figure that out though. If you want to know the truth, I'm missing home like hell, but I'm glad I feel like I can make it through. I really miss E. I guess I've probably said that 100 times at this point but you don't know the specifics. What makes me crazy about her is the way she carries herself, she is real goofy and she's sweet but she always looks so tired. She has dark circles, but in the cuteset way possible. She has bangs too. I'm a sucker for bangs. Now if she wore my hunting cap, I'd propose right then and there. I love that hat so much. I can't wait to be home and wear all sorts of goofy clothes. I can't wait for mail tomorrow. I wonder if I have any. I can't wait for Friday. I get to call E, I wonder if she wants me to write her or if she wants wants to write me. I should've asked during first leave, but I did not. I wonder if she wants to hear from me at all. I bet she is overthinking just like me. She said she was and that she was worried about not having that spark. I mean, atleast for me, I'd be the happiest man alive I don't know, she seems to like me, she says things that you can't really make up. I hope she doesn't break my heart. But if she does, I'll make it through. I'll make it through this program. I mean I'm already through the tough part. March and April are just days to get through. There is school, but it's easy. A lot of people are counting by weeks, I am counting by months because it seems to go by quicker. I drew this cool picture yesterday, it's one of those "unreadable death metal" logos with my band name, "I Almost Died" and I filled in all the cross sections and it ended up becoming sort of an abstract piece. I might try to do some abstract art after graduation. May try to get it put into the Beckley Art Center. Who knows, maybe my claim to fame will be visual art. I'd really like my style to be sort of like that one picture on Twitter - "Name One Thing in This Image." Turley said he had seen my picture in an acid trip before and it made me smile. It was a very good moment. Turley's always saying stuff to make ya smile, but that was the best thing anyone here has said to me. It's 9:40 AM right now and Turley almost fought May, almost ripped Vankirk's head off. I've drew some more, people think I am good at art, which I'm happy about. Swain told me something I thought was real funny. Yesterday we were d-cking off and I made a joke about me writing a book about him and this morning I showed him my abstract drawings and he looked through this notebook looking for more drawings and he asked if I was really writing a book about him, I told him no and then he said, "you really are writing a novel about your days." That got me thinking, I really am writing a novel about what's going on in my life, that is what a journal is. I'd like to think I'm organzing my head. I would like to write a book one day. I'd like to write about here, but everyone probably does. It's not that interesting but sometimes I like to imagine myself, whenever, we're standing at attentiion, in a movie, in one of those scenes where the main character is feeling some type of way and the camera pans out and some Radiohead song starts playing, only I wouldn't have a Radiohead song, it'd be "I'm Getting Cold" by The Microphones, and as I'm standing there, snow would be falling on me. It's happened before. It'd look great with one of those shots from the end of Crawlspace, I think it's a dutch angle. I love Breaking Bad. Then the next scene would be me eating at chow, the music would cut out, it'd be a real wide shot but it'd look good. We just had snack. Right now feels really good, like everything feels like it is in its right place for the most part. I have a little bit of homework but I'll be fine. I really feel like I can make it to graduation, because I can. I almost have 1/3 of this program over with. Things are pretty short here. I honestly feel pretty bad for the next class. Class 2-2020. I bet the days will go real fast for them and before you know, they'll be here in my shoes. Maybe literally, when I get home I wanna get a pair of New Balances. They're apparently 15 dollars, but they look cool. I have this idea in my head for an outfit. This blue flannel I have, black jeans, and Doc Martens, and my Paw Patrol shirt. I'd really like to do one of those live session videos like Little Elephant and instead of blacks jeans and Doc Martens, I would wear cuffed blue jeans and those 15 dollar New Balances. My first journal entry in this notebook, I wrote about how Mr. Bircher made me sad. Well, he's actually really funny. He's a marine, he said the Army stood for "Aren't Real Marines Yet." That made me laugh. Well he recognized me and said "You're Shumate right?" That was pretty cool. That's my name here, by the way. Cadet Shumate. My Honest to god name is Christian Shumate. I was gonna join the air force but then I changed my mind. I'm not too sure what I'll do. As long as I am making music, I'll be happy. I talked to Tingler today and I did that thing where I came to a realization as I'm talking. But I do believe I want there to be a metal influence in my music for my buddy Shane. It'd probably be more like Mathcore but still. I'd like to get a cello player. I dated a cello player, she was Spanish and lived in California but she was a little crazy. Oh, we did our run today andthere was something big I forgot to tell you. Like I've talked a lot about how damn lone I was but I never ta;led about the best part of my days then, gym. I really did love the people in my gym class, I just didn't show it. Like there was this girl named Sydney W. and she was an angel. She has bangs, which is what kills me. I think me and her met at the same football game I met K at. Crazy, I know. Sydney looked like a damn psychopath without bags, to be honest. I still could've loved her though. K, she was fine. She was my first real heartbreak. We broke up right before this whole coming-of-age sh-t started. I have a case of protagonist syndrome, and I've yet to discover if my story will end soon. That's from a Panucci's Pizza song. They always break my heart. One song I miss like hell is Claire de Lune by Claude Debussy. He's normal as hell, but that song is beautiful. When I play it in my head, I imagine D wearing my hunting cap. It's not a love thing, it was just way I felt. I really am a damn madman. The worst flaw I have is I tend to cuss a lot. I don't mean it, it's just how I feel. I don't see a problem with cussing, it just won't make your prose sound any better. I've wrote about 12 full pages today. Mostly because I'm procrastinating math. I don't have a library book. If you want to know the truth, I feel real damn comfortable writing.
Especially the way I write, it sounds like I'm writing a letter. Maybe I am kind of writing a letter to my future self. Letting my future self know what I was doing. Funny thing is, I'm currently 17. When I get out I'll get my license and see how things work out with E. I want to enroll in online college. And you can surely bet I'll keep working at Subway. They have me on extended leave right now. I'll probably have a lot of time off when I get back. After graduation, I have a ton of vacations. I'm going to camp, I'll be the king of the world for a little while. I'll probably be in love too, with E or the world. Maybe -- hopefully, both. I'll be having so much fun, the best part is is right now I don't have to go through a bunch of junk. I just have to get through March and April and then I'll be essenially done with everything. I'll explain more in a little bit. It's currently 2:44 PM right now and good news, I've got all my homework done with, well all that needs to be done. We did OA, it was real neat. Lately things have started to feel like they used to be, I guess. Like I don't mean to make that sound like I never want to home but I feel real content being here. It's been real warm the past couple of days. But the best way I can explain things is they feel just like they did when I was in first grade, and it'd seem like things would never change, but you were okay with it. I really hope that makes sense, one time over first leave, E tried to tell me something but it didn't make any sense. I hope it wasn't anything bad. I remember Ms. Thompson told us, "first leave will be here before you know it." Which is funny because it's already past. We're almost through February. Well, we've only got one week left. I wonder how many journals I'll go through before graduation. My guess is two. But I'm not too sure. Right now we're sitting in the DFACT, waiting to go to the barracks, that's when the sensior shift leaders switch. Mr. Bircher takes the morning shift, and Mr. Cosner usually takes the evening. I'm really exhausted. I bet I'll be real tired during the movie and not tired at all during lights out. I'm not an insomniac or anything but it takes a little effort for me to go to bed. Yesterday I fell asleep after we got our lights turned back on. What I really like is I don't feel like I'm going crazy, Like I just feel normal. I don't feel any of this madman crap. I just feel like I'm normal and I'll make it to graduation. I don't dwell on it and I'm really proud of myself for that, because I know if I stay relaxed and normal and happy, it'll be May 22nd in no time. Tomorrow we get mail, I've found that trying to find stuff that makes you comfortable and looking forward to stuff in the near future - it helps time goes just a little faster. I'm real glad I got all my schoolwork done. I'm real glad we're about to have dinner. I'm real excited for tomorrow we get mail tomorrow. I love mail, then Wednesday is our library day, then Friday I get to call E, then Sunday, it's March, 1st. This week is filled with excitement.
Everyday is a gift because it's another day to mark off our calendar, which to me means the world. I have things under control and the month is almost over so I couldn't be happier. We just had a shower it's always a good feeling when you get something done. I think I need to write and focus on things that make me happy. I know that is sort of a big "duh," however it's taking me forever to figure that stuff out. I guess it takes everyone a long time to figure that stuff out, some people never figure that stuff out. Some people join the army, some people get a job, some people start a family. For me it's not like that, you really gotta understand yourself. Or atleast try to. I gotta meditate and try to organize my brain through art or writing. It's usually weird and abstract but it gets something out, and that's the first step to getting better. I really hope one of my buddies writes me soon. I'll probably rip out that page of the real cool picture I drew and send it to one of them. I might do one for them. They all have solo projects, but we all king of go over these two projects names of The Interstate and Hellride Demon. Hellride Demon's suppose to be this real cool DJazz type project, but we always do stuff under The Interstate cause it's funner plus we actually have "street cred" under that name. The first time me and my buddy Ronnie ever hung out, we made this song about how we hated our english teacher and it got a little popular in my high school. Then Ronnie put it on Spotify and iTunes, so even if the school wanted to take it down, they couldn't. Ronnie is getting pretty good at music, I'm really proud of her. Last time we hung out he was making a dope ebat while me and D were trying to do a cover of In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. It's kind of funny how me and D met I tried flirting with her and eventually we became friends in our 9th grade science. I know that's not some Norm MacDonald shiz but I don't feel like writing whole story and even then, it probably wouldn't be that funny or make sense, or even be related to Norm Macdonald. The point is me and her have known each other for about 5 years. I feel bad for her. It's killing her I'm not there. That is probably one of the reasons I fell for her, it means alot when someone cares and when everything clickes, I probably fell in some pool of goodness and then when I came back here I got sad. Now I'm feeling a lot better. I think I've been sick for a long time, I just haven't told anyone. I have also had bad communication skills. I've realized the problem with the people around here is they worry about the wrong things, you don't have to worry about anything if you're me. Another thing that sucks is people act too much. Life isn't some kind of move - that was my big problem. I'd act like my life was dumb hipster movie where they play Radiohead in all the damn scenes. I thought it made me look smart, but the smartest people (to me) are always the happiest. Things feel real neat now. I doubt I'll be able to explain to you, but I can envision myself looking back on this moment fondly. I think the plague ward, as much as it sucked, definitely knocked some sense to me. Kids were always asking me after I got out how great it was. It was miserable, it made the days go by so slow and all there was to do was dwell. That really is awful. People, when they ask if I'm writing a book, I say yes, but I'm writing a letter to my future self. That's why I'm signing notes with "P.C." I know one day I'll reread these, even if it's just a skim of who I used to be. We're in dinner now. It's 5:10 PM. I'm excited to get my library book. I'm real proud of myself, I got through this whole day happuy. I know I'm strong enough to get through these days, but to do it and stay happy is ground breaking. We did our PT test and I'm pretty darn fit. I did 55 pushups, I forgot how many situps I did though. I also forgot to do Ms. Chidester's work but I'll do it tomorrow. We go next in chow, I am really excited. I'm not sure why I'm just happy without a cause. I hope I can remember how this feeling feels, I feel like I am going through a lot of good changes. Dinner was really good, probably the best we've had in a while and I'm really tired. Like super tired. I bet I'll be the same way tomorrow, hopefully I'll still be happy. I believe tonight is movie night. I'm pumped, what if we watch something crazy like Brightburn, I do not know why they showed us that movie - but it was cool. I'm sorry for rambling. I'm a little worried right, I don't want to get sad again. Getting sad is the worst, it really is. I should defintely meditate before bed and repeat positive affirmations, I should pray too. I'd say that helps a lot. I'm really happy I've wrote so much today. I know what I'll do when I meditate, I'll envision myself in the summer, when I'm graduated and imagine that person I've become and tell him how proud of I am of him. I know that sounds lame, but it's how I feel. I'm insecure as hell right now. I really am excited for tomorrow. Chow/DFACT/OA. It'll be a blast. I'm being a dunce right now. I wonder what mom and kinsley is doing. I wonder what my dad is doing. I know he's been getting my letters. I saw one of them during first leave, I should've read it, but I didn't. I've thunk up a lot of words of wisdoms today. My grandpa told me right before I left, "It takes a boy to join, but a man to stay." That's talking about the army, but it's still applicable. And it's got me thinking, am I becoming a man? It seems like it, it seems like I'm going through something that'll change me for the better. It really blows my mind because I already have changed, whenever I was at home my buddies saod they're glad I'm not mean anymore. And I told them that it was because I was mean to people in the barracks, but that's for the birds. People get too damn upset about thing. Including me. That's the other thing, I heard something today that was really smart, Mr. Dixon "if one person is talking, it doesn't help if 10 others are yelling." And that's the truth, people expect that they to freak out to get you to listen to them, things are not that hard here. You just gotta go through the motions. Anyways, I've written quite a bit today so I will write in the morning.
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