February 19th, 2020
6:32 AM
I believe it's around 6:30, but I'm not too sure. What I am sure about is how great first leave was. I'll guess I'll continue to pray during the 30 seconds of silence. It seems to help a lot. Speaking of which, after I got in my dad's truck, I played on my phone for the first time in a long while. I almost forget how to use it. Then we went to Subway and I called my mom and E. I damn near talked my mom's ear off. Then I called Lexie, I told her I was real proud of her. Then we went to the doctors and I saw this woman I used to know. It was my friend Dustin's mom. She told me the program seemed to be helping a lot. Then I told her about how depressed I was. After that, I finally got to the house. I was so damn cold. I took a really sh-tty bath, bathes are always nice until the water gets cold. I put on a hoodie and then talked to my dad about the guitar we want to build. I think it's gonna be a headless guitar and it's gonna look sweet. Around 10 PM, I discovered my body would allow Cinnamon Toast Crunch into my system. I listened to music, talked to E and my buddies and whenever I came out of my room it was 11:27 PM. I was stunned at how fast time flew. I stayed up until 3 AM watching YouTube and texting E. When I woke up on Saturday it was 5:44 AM and I felt a tad bit worse. I continued to feel this way until my dad came back with a new box of tissues, coughdrops, and a humidifer. Before then my mom texted me to ask how I was doing. I told her I felt lame and depressed. I told my mom about how I wanted to try an antidepressent and she called bullsh-t. She said "when I was your age, I wanted a pill to make everything feel ok." That's the truth. But whenever I'm crying and hating myself all the time, I think I need something. Tears started streaming down my face when I started telling her about the things I hate. I'm pretty depressed right now too. After that I laid in bed, talked to people and all together had a good day. Anyday at home is a good day. I went to sleep around 6, woke up at 9, went back to sleep, then I woke up to E calling me at 10 - I knew I had to throw up. I threw up and laid in the floor. I went to bed and eventually I got up, took a coughdrop, and made myself a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I started to geel a million times better and I finally realized I might not have the flu for the rest of my life, maybe someday soon I'll have the same realization about MCA and time will start to move a lot faster. I went to bed around 2, I was listening to some old Call of Duty trolling videos and it reminded me of being a kid.Sunday morning I woke up feeling great. Not like Jesus or anything but I was feeling pretty damn good. I texted everybody, looked at Facebook and at some point I got up and talked to my dad. He was real happy to see me doing better and I was real happy to see his big dopey smile I took a shower and got ready to go see my mom. I remember my dad hugged me and he started to cry. I would've cried too, but it really hadn't hit me yet that I had to go back. On the way to my house, me and my dad listened to some dope jams like Killing In The Name Of and War Pigs. We went up to my grandparents and we for a while. I showed them a picture of E. After that, we finally got to my house. Kinsley hugged me and told me "hi." I went in my room and it felt amazing seeing all my instruments. It was kind of groundbreaking. I stayed at the house for a little bit, then I went to my other grandparents and that was pretty swell. Then when I got home, I rushed to change my outfit because me, Ronnie, Eddie, and D were going out to eat. Eventually Ronnie and Eddie pulled in and I went out to their car. Once I got in, you could tell Ronnie was having one of those groundbreaking moments, I guess she was shocked at how much of a jerk I've become. We were running a little late so Ronnie may have went over the speed limit. I remember Eddie started smoking a cigarette. He let me finish the cigarette off, which I did, however I don't think I really let the smoke hit my lungs. I was still a little sick. We got to buffalo wild wings, and whenever me and D saw each other, she looked so damn happy to see me. She hugged me and it was amazing. Ronnie got a picture of us. I should probably get mom to print it off and send a copy. We went inside and we goofed around while waiting for our table. Me and Eddie were playing some game when they sat us down. We ordered and my friends seemed to be real shocked by how social and mannerly I'd become. When we left, I called my dad and we sat down in D's car for a little bit. We left for Ronnie's house. Turns out she'd moved over by Eddie. Ronnie also does online school. D and Eddie pulled in soon after we oulled in. We went inside and for a little bit, we didn't know what the hell to do, but then me and D decided to start working on music. We decided to do a cover of In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, and it sounded beautiful. That wasn't where I started falling for D though. The way our voices harmonized and the way the strings seemed to interlock and create this beautiful, orchestral sound - it was gorgeous. For the rest of D being there, we just goofed around. They wanted me to sing this song I wrote called "Mountain" but I damn near forgot the whole thing. Danny, Eddie's brother, came in and told D he "needed to talk to her about something." We came to find out, Eddie had a crush on D and her brother said "if her and her boyfriend break up, you two should try something." D left twice, once it was me, her, and my buds. The second it was just me and her. She wanted my beanie and when she left she forget it. We hugged and I said "I'm so happy for you and H" and she said "I'm so happy for you and E." That was the moment I started to feel something for D, I waved at her while she was driving off. I was so damn happy and felt so damn confident, I went inside and me and Ronnie worked on music. My eyes hurt like a b-tch that day. I did a really good cover of "Heartilation" by AJJ. Eventually we left and I got sheetz. It was 11 dollars, but I didn't care since I've saved up 1,900 dollars. We got to my housde and that's when Ronnie said "Would you mind if I took your keyboard," I told her I did not care. She seemed to be shocked, she still seemed to be shocked by my niceness. I gave her my vaporwave guitar. I hugged her and she left. I ate some sheetz and it seemed like everything was in its right place. It wasn't anything specific, but I'd do anything for it again. It's moments like that that kill me. I talked to E and she said I seemed to become very calm. I forgot to mention, Ronnie let me have this red hunter's cap - like the one Holden Caulfield wears in the Catcher in the Rye. E said it looks very good on me. It took me a moment to believe her, but it really did look good on me. Me and E talked until I fell asleep.
Monday was probably the best day. I woke uo at about 6 AM. My mom had woke up and I moved from the couch to my bedroom. At some point, E woke up and we talked for a little bit. It was pillow talk, but it was very good pillow talk. I told her about how comfortable my bed was. We went through this scenario where I made her sandwhiches. We talked about so much. She didn't want me to go, she told me about how she'd probably be real needy and wouldn't let me up. She talking about the midwest and its food. I didn't know what the hell to think but I knew she did so I let her enjoy herself. Eventually my mom got me up, and I played with Kinsley, Kinsley started messing with me. Then Kinsley started messing with E on the phone, telling her to "wake up." It was very adorable. I hung up the phone and me and my mom talked for a while. I took a shower and we went to Walmart and Krogers. I wore my red hunter's cap. We were supposed to go to the mall, but we enver did. We ate at Subway, I saw Lish and Bev. They are always the sweetest. I got my usual: Oven Roasted Chicken, Monteray Cheddar, Toasted w/ Lettuce, Banana Peppers, Black Olives, and Ranch. Then I also got a 6 inch pizza sub with just banana peppers. It was pretty good, the restaurant was super bussy though. If I would've been home, I would've been working. I went home and relaxed for a little bit, me and D were going out.
My mom was coming down with something, so she couldn't take me, so I had Casi take me instead. Me and her drove up to the VA to see my dad. He was real sweet. After that we were real early so we went to Guitars Plus. I stayed in there for a little bit. I found a cajon and I was surprisingly good at it. We got to the movie theater, D was probably already there but me and Casi got starbucks anyway. When I get and I get Starbucks, I'll give them a fake name like "Scott" or "Michael." Eventually D had messaged me and told me I was there. I met her and her family. Her dad shooked my hand. It was a very good handshake. We were going to see the new Sonic the Hedgehog movie theater. We picked our seats and they just let us sneak our drinks in. Sadly there was other people in the theater, but we still had fun. At some point, I asked her if she wanted to wear my new hat. When she put it on, I knew I had fallen for her. I understood that I could not say anything both for Mine, E, D, and H's sake. I just sat there, in love with her. I honestly felt every bit of it, and it that theater seat, I mediated. D was having so much fun, I didn't want to ruin it with my goofball feelings. We played the game where you yell a certain body part louder than the other person and towards the end of the movie we started freaking out. We also played the bruh sound effect over and over. After the movies, I was still hopelessly in love with her. I believe one of the reasons I felt that way was because my grandma had said, "are you going on any dates, Christian?" earlier in the day and my mom answered for me with a "If D wanted to go on a date with Christian, I'd approved." I was hopelessly in love with her, I'm sorry. We went to Five Guys and D knew this older lady and she was real sweet. D made me feel loved. I got a cheesedog with Jalapenos. She got a cheese burger. They forgot something on her sandwhich, so they gave her another. We gave that extra sandwhich to my mom. She took some pictures of me and I had a bad nosebleed. After we ate, we went back to Starbucks. She came to find out that I didn't have a ride, I called my mom and we agreed to meet up at the post office near my house. Me and D sung some Fall Out Boy on the way home. I couldn't really hear because my ears wouldn't pop but apparently I was singing really good. According to D, I even hit the real long note in Hum Halleljuah. My mom pulled in and we hugged for the last time. My feelings at that point had settled for the most part.
When I got home that's when things hit me that I had to go back. I started crying, my mom saw but she didn't know what to say. She just sorta told me to suck it up and told me that everything is temporary. I believe I texted E. D called me, I held back tears, I didn't want to scare her. I was so tired and couldn't find anything to watch so I went to bed while listening to a COD trolling video around 12:48 AM.
When I woke up on Tuesday, I was fine until it finally dawned on my what was going on. When my mom saw me I was crying, I took a shower and sat down at my kitchen table for the last time. My mom made me a breakfast burrito and Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I cried through the whole damn meal. Eventually Lexie texted me that her and my uncle Chris were leaving. Me and Mom talked for a while and then Chris and Lexie pulled in. I put my stuff in their car and told them I was gonna go tell my mom goodbye. I made sure I had everything and I played guitar for the last time. I started crying as I played my favorite guitar riff - I Felt Your Shape by The Microphones. The last thing I played was a C Major chord to a F Minor chord. I can still hear those chords ring out. I put my guitar down and I hugged my mom. I tried to get everything out but I couldn't. I said my goodbyes and while I was walking out, me and my mom shared a smile.
My uncle, lexie, and I got subway and then I went to the VA to see my dad for the last time. After that, we hit the road. For a big portion of the trip, me and Chris just talked but at some point I told him I was going to listen to music, and he said "that's fine buddy." I called E and D. E didn't seem too upset, the only person who seemed upset about going back was me. We got there sort of early so we went up and ate Taco Bell. We went eventually went back up to Camp Dawson. I got signed back in and me and Chris did the mentor training, After that they took us back to the barracks.