It is 9:01 PM currently, this week has been okay. I have been alive and well, currently my ear is giving me as much trouble as it can. I am a harbringer of mucus at the current moment. My Eustachian tube has some form of buildup and pressure from a light cold I developed on Wednesday evening. I have spent the day utilizing various valsalva maneuvers such as yawning, chewing, popping ears, etc. to try to help - but I believe the only thing that will truly help is to sleep and get some rest. This morning, my ear hurt awfully bad - there was also the issue that everything sounded out of tune, like a semitone apart at the same time. Very jarring. This evening, my ear congestion came back with a vengance. I'll be fine, but I really hope it goes away by tomorrow.
On Monday, I did not have a very good day. I arrived at work, and I closed my office at about 2PM because there was too mcuh snow from both the morning and that snow was melting and turning into undrivable slush. The actual ride home wasn't too bad, at some point I looked at my phone and saw a message from J. I neglected to state this, but on Sunday, I blocked J on everything except for iMessage. J asked if I was okay and that she noticed I'd blocked her on everything. I'm aware this is all personal, but it's important for the story also I do not care. This message killed me, I drove a little upset - however, I mostly drove safe and kept to the speed limit and what not. Once I got on my road, I encountered a driver who was a little more over in my lane than they were supposed to be - this caused me to swerve and I slid quite a bit - like I probably would've crashed if I didn't regain control. This was terrifying, adrenaline filled my bloodstream as I drove the last mile home. I am unaware about what exactly saved me in this moment, if it was the exact amount of pressure I applied to the brake, if it was a sensor, or simply luck - whatever it is, I am very grateful it happened. In those moments before I parked in my driveway, I imagined what could've happened. My car flipping over and over, slipping in the slush - the brief moment of panic as I lost control - and then darkness. Nothing. Abscence of anything. Death. No more work. No more smiles. No more writing. No more tummy aches. No more heartbreak. No more hugs. No more anything. It was scary, the most terrifying possible thing. The possibility of dying and opening my eyes to a devil's hell is also terrifying. I've mentioned before my loss of faith - I haven't really had a strong foundation for my beliefs, but I've tried. I'm petrified that if this religious conviction appears, I wouldn't tell if it was geniune religious conviction or psychosis. I'm not saying that religious people are also mentally ill - I'm just concerned that I wouldn't be able to understand the difference due to my anxiety and by extension my other unknown mental illnesses (if I have any others besides anxiety). I pulled into my driveway, and I told J how I really felt - that I was mad at her and I did not want to hear from her. She messaged me and my mother, but I and my mom did not reply. J hurted me, but life is too short to think of those things
On Tuesday, nothing of note happened.
On Wednesday, I finished my last final for this semester of college, I also organized my office a little bit.
On Thursday, I had a big meeting, I did very well. I hope things work out all things considered. It had also snowed quite a bit on Wednesday evening. I had also developed quite an awful cold.
On Friday, I worked almost the whole shift. My big objective was to organize things, which I did. I went to a retirement party for one of my coworkers and then I did all the work I needed to. I went home and I tried to take a nap - which I could not do. I felt pretty drained, mostly due to my cold. I played Minecraft and transcribed journals and then fell asleep.
Today has been very good. I transcribed as mentioned previously, from here I practiced some of the songs for Blue Shell's next set. I texted Kyle about a tattoo. I hung out with K (blog-K is different from MCA-K, my apologies). Me and her got Subway and she was very cute. I like her quite a bit, I feel like me and her connect well. She feels like a different - more well adjusted person but also me and her have been through a lot together. Oh well, I liked spending time with her and I think she liked spending time with me. From there I came home, and I have been writing since. My ear still hurts but I am going to bed so hopefully that will help. I am very grateful to be alive and I am going to church tomorrow - whether or not I believe. I have been watching FNAF videos alongside Boot camp videos while transcribing the MCA journals. I am now going to bed. Goodnight.