It's 8:08 PM. I am fairly tired. I am wearing my Angel Massacre shirt whilst half-listening to this Everybody Loves Raymond recap show and fully listening (I know those fractions don't add up lol) to this video about A Fever You Can't Sweat Out by Panic! At The Disco, by thecozyrepresentive, who is a very good YouTuber. I've linked that video here. This week has been fairly busy and I am tired but overall this week has been a good one although quite stressful. I've had a lot good ideas for this blog and I am drinking a little bit to get some ideas I wouldn't normally think up (a la Charles Bukowski) although it might be hypocritical of me because I hate when musicians and writers' who cite substances and alcohol as influential to their work. Every experience I've heard about with those sorts of things besides alcohol has sounded like an-annoying-hippie-who-likes-Pink-Floyd-and-Grateful-Dead’s anecdote and those things don't really interest me because they seem like they would deafen my musical inspirations and ideas quite a bit.

On Tuesday, nothing too much of note happened. I finished Dopesick, which was a fairly good show. I then went home and fixed the violin I have been working on by sanding the violin from 80 to 600 and then staining the thing with Black RitDye but making sure it was nice and there were no ugly spots and then spray about 3 to 4 layers of clear coat spray paint. I also did some research for the album A Fever You Can't Sweat Out; I think it's one of the most amazing albums of all time and I think it has had a deep impact on my life; specifically I think the literature influences and writing style as fairly influential into both my enjoyment of literature and figures like Chuck Pahalunik but also that sort of meta writing that I love so much. I really hope I can find something within all those things within that album to make my songs a little bit.

On Wednesday, I had a very exhausting day. I watched End of Evangelion and talked to my buddy Ian about several theories and ideas I have that are rather depressing so I won't indulge in those too much; however, the end of the world scene in EoE did almost give me a panic attack. Anyway, once I got home I built my bookshelf and then organized both my new bookshelf and my old bookshelf and it took quite a bit of time and once I was done with everything, I was so worn out and I went to bed. It was about 10 PM because after organizing everything I watched a lot of Instagram Reels.

On Thursday, nothing too much happened. I was extremely tired from the previous day so everything went by fairly sluggishly and I was boiling in my office. I went home and then I played Minecraft for a while which was a blast and then I went to bed.

On Friday, I saw Kyra. Me and her went to the Nicholas County Fair after work and me and her had a very good time. It was nice riding with her and going on a little trip. I had been to that fair once prior in 2022 but I only really remembered holding snakes during that trip. I’ve always been rather negative when it comes to fairs, I’m just not a big fan of crowds and I’ve always been annoyed about how all the games are scams and the rides just make you sick; however, this was quite a positive experience. I told Kyra that, “if I was 15 again, this would be the greatest place in the world,” due to the seeming abundance of high schoolers who seemed to be having a great time which I thought was wholesome. A lot of places you go that have an abundance of people (for example my local mall) make you want to bang your head against a wall to the seeming obliviousness that permeates being in the midst of the general public; Being in this midst also means one is part of the general public themself, which is a crushing realization in the same way that someone would find positive solace in the meaningless or sheer tininess all of us are. We’re all tourists at some point. Anyways, this wasn’t really there at the fair - I mean I’m sure the guys in the Grunt Style Hats weren’t going home to recite Chaucer or balance chemical equations but a lot of people seemed happy and it seemed like a place of good energy. Me and Kyra spent some time with the animals (Goats and Horses) and we went on the Ferris Wheel, which was very sweet. I’m not so much scared of heights as I am squeamish about them, meaning I’d probably just pass out then freak out. I do, as Kyra noted, hold onto the metal beam in the middle of the Ferris wheel pod for dear life. Me and Kyra then got some Fair food which was rather uneventful. We saw a face painting booth and Kyra bought some crystals. Me and her both noticed some 3D-Printing artslop alongside two different gun raffles (both were automatic styled rifles; a la AR-15, which could have been created by a 3D printer. People who 3D printed guns are weirder than the people who try to sell those 3D printed dragons at your local flea market.), which me and Kyra found to be the only negative thing about the fair, but we do live in West Virginia, so what else would you expect?

On the way home me and Kyra told stories and it was a very nice time. Me and her talked about the upcoming Lewisburg fair, and I told her about going their as a Boy Scout when I was 12 and the scavenger hunt we had to do (where 95% of the clues and answers were near the barns which made my sinus go into overdrive with my animal hair/dander/general existence allergy) and the time I was about 4 and there was this game where you could shoot cups and there was also some cops nearby and I told my dad, “Dad, I want to shoot cups,” and he (my dad) said, “Son, we don’t shoot cops;” I then relayed that he misheard me and replied again with “No boy, we don’t shoot cops,” which I then realized he wasn’t gonna understand what I was saying. That’s the first time I remember being disappointed in my dad.

I dropped Kyra off and when I got home I was so worn out that I went to bed.

I woke up on Saturday and I played guitar; I tried to learn I Constantly Thank God For Esteban, which doesn't have an adequate guitar tab. I also picked up Subway and practiced a little piano and came up with a game plan for recording some of the new DT album at home. I took an hour-long nap around 12:30 PM which only gave me an hour and a half to nap. I fell asleep at about 1 and slept for about 47 minutes. I went to Kyra's and once she was ready we went to Silverdale Studios right at 4 PM. The BEX Festival is a pretty cool thing that a bunch of my friends (Specifically Seth, Shane Pierce, and Saja Montague) put together every year. Seth and his wife met at BEX in around 2019, One of my first interactions with Kyra was at BEX in 2024, and the focus on creativity has made the event very special to all of us in the Beckley Art Community. I was bummed that I had missed the young musician's showcase, which is essentially an open mic for those 0-21. It's always a blast, because the performers are very excited and very nervous and it's great to see performers really coming into their own. There's also some pretty amazing and engaging techniques found by beginners of different instruments; wabi sabi, I guess. At about 5 PM, two bands played for about 30 minutes. One band was Simple Objects(?) which played some groovy songs and then the other band was Opposite Effect who played for about 30 minutes. Opposite Effect has some originals which I thought were cool, Caleb (the drummer for DT) played in both bands and he did a really good job. Everyone in those bands are super nice and supportive which I appreciate. After those two bands, my friend Hannah (my buddy Seth's wife, for those unaware) played a set and it was very good. I really enjoy Hannah's songwriting for several reasons, however, I was unable to really detail her set as three friends of mine showed up during her set.

My friend Ronnie arrived and I was very happy to see her, I haven't seen her in forever so I was really glad to see her. She's been my best friend since high school and has been through everything with me (see MCA journals). My buddy Sam who arrived shortly after Ronnie got me a Dead Bart patch; which I thought was very sweet. Sam missed the boat on Creepypastas by a few years but he understands my love for creepypastas and internet horror, which I think is very kind and shows what a good character Sam has. The other buddy, who I will not name here because I don't want to spread their business. Essentially this buddy, who we will call Other Buddy, went through a pretty intense breakup recently and seems to be involved in a romantic rebound. The romantic rebound is not what concerns me; what I fear is that Other Buddy is being used, or is going to get their feelings hurt. The situation is semi-similar although slightly less fair than my harmful relationship with J. Essentially Other Buddy seems to be happy and to like this girl they are with, although the girl Other Buddy is with does not seem to be all that interested, but is keeping Other Buddy on the hook. Where Other Buddy is experiencing a romantic rebound, I don't know if it is best to let things play out and hopefully things fizzle out or if this is a canon event for Other Buddy or what to do. I don't think telling Other Buddy is really a good idea, I don't think they wouldn't listen anyway - I know sometimes the pain of a breakup will cause people to ignore warning signs of those looking to take advantage of the vulnerable. I also fear that Other Buddy sees themselves as punching up whilst ignoring all the other warning signs; I won't detail all of their troubles, but it's like they (Other Buddy) are trying their best to catch the biggest bass in the pond and when they finally catch that big bass, they'll find that the bass is very rude and inconsiderate of others and says weird things to your friend's girlfriend like "I'm in love with Christian, but like in a joking way," and kills the vibe so much so that when the bass leaves, it feels like weight has been lifted the entire world. Anyway, Other Buddy's presence was certainly welcomed and I was very glad to see them and their bass is nice on the surface, but it's pretty easy for an outsider to see the red flags.

After talking to these friends, I played a set with Caleb. It was a very good set. I wore my Tormental Slimebeast shirt, which is a very cool shirt. I played a sample of the "Funky Ehh" kid singing Boys Don't Cry by The Cure and then me and Caleb played our normal set. It went well and there isn't too much to really note. I played all the songs, and people enjoyed the set. I did a pretty cool scream for Bosch and I put a Dollar Tree Bag on my head for the breakdown on Bea Aboo. After my set, I sold about 4 shirts which I was excited about. After I put my equipment up, Seth played. Seth released an album recently called, "The Killer Is In The Room," which is very good. I have linked that album here. I really like the song Constellation. Seth has crafted a 3-piece line up with my good buddy Erik Woods on bass; I messaged Erik about playing bass for Seth and he (Erik) said he really enjoyed being able to play songs that weren't his and just focus on the one instrument. I hold the same sentiment for playing songs for Blue Shell. I told Seth that he had a good set in which he would invite me to play a set at Silverdale later in August, which I accepted and will give more details in a later entry. Seth and our other buddy Nathan let me have the rest of their chicken and beef Aroz Con Pollo from the El Mariachi food truck at the BEX festival (this is the same El Mariachi that I mention in Tracey Austin by Socialist Book Club).

Me and Caleb were also interviewed by a guy from our local newspaper, I didn't really say anything too interesting - just that me and Caleb play music and that I believe in BEX and Silverdale and what Seth and Hannah are doing with their music/arts program.

Dr. Scientist played after Seth, they are a very great band and I'm trying to get them more shows. They are very good at doing those sorts of indie harmonies that bands like The Strokes and Interpol are famous for. I really liked their originals and I took a lot of videos of their set. I've linked their demo tape here. They played a cover of Really Bees by Ovlov, which is a very good song.

After Dr. Scientist, Lady D and MI$$ION played and they were very good. Each member is very talented and I really enjoyed their set. The drummer was amazing and the bass player was great and super nice (I chatted with him after their set) and Lady D herself was an amazing front woman and singer. Kyra loved Lady D and had me record much of their performances. I have linked a performance of theirs from 2 years ago here.

Me and Kyra planned on going to our buddy DJ's house but needed to go to Kyra's to grab her keys, however me and her were both so worn out from Friday and the Festival that me and her called a rain check (I felt bad) and fell asleep to some Minecraft Reddit story videos.

On Sunday, I woke up at about 7:25 AM. I woke Kyra up and we spent some time together, although I did feel bad for having to leave at about 8:30 AM; I needed to get a shower and get ready for church with my grandma. I hadn't seen my grandma since the Sunday before last, so I needed to see her. I came home at about 9PM and I took a shower and I ended up didn't make it to church until about 10:45 AM. This was okay since I am typically late for church. Church was okay - there were a lot of testimonies, some better than others. One man mentioned being revived from a defibrillator and saying that the doctors' looked like Monsters (a la Jacob's Ladder) prior to his vision stabilizing, which was spooky. I came home from church and then took another short one hour nap before heading towards Silverdale for Blue Shell Practice. I was looking forward to practice, although I was a bit indifferent. Seth let me into the study and he said, "I think it's cool Kyra is getting more into hanging out and going to the shows," which I thought was really sweet. I've never really had a partner with me at shows, especially one I've been with for a while - so that was very nice. I'm very proud of Kyra, I know she gets nervous with crowds, but she's really worked and I hope she gets closer to all my art friends; she deserves the friendship they've welcomed me with. Anyways, after this Seth left and Blue Shell filed in and we had a good practice.

If I'm being honest with myself; I've had somewhat of an undercurrent of depression regarding some of the new Blue Shell songs. Maybe it was burn out, but I've played the songs from our first album every show for about 4 years so I don't think it was really burnout; I believe Blue Shell was burnt out from covers and playing nonstop last year, yes, but I felt like I didn't bounce back like I should from our break. It was good to see the guys last week but I felt like something was missing from myself. I had had a thought but chose to neglect it; I was severely worried that that hurtful relationship with J had ruined some of my feelings towards some of the Blue Shell songs. If you need a refresher, read the first couple entries of this blog to get a brief idea of how J did me wrong. The most tragic part of that whole debacle was that I felt like some of the songs I had spent months playing to crowds had a vital spirit of fun and joy ripped out of them and only a husk of my own feelings of hurt and false promises had been imprinted onto these great songs. These conflicting feelings with some of those songs also brought up memories of listening to repetitive analyses of my breakup, the self-imposed loneliness I felt, and the isolating embarrassment I felt from being led on by J. On Sunday, I didn't really think about these things upon coming into band practice - however, after playing the set we plan to play for our next show (Aug. 1st), Kyle (apropos of nothing) began playing Came Out Swinging by The Wonder Years and then we played Blow Me Away by Breaking Benjamin and I started to feel this hopeful feeling that I could enjoy those songs again. I never did not like some of the new songs, I was just projecting some dumb feelings I had onto them which reminded me of bad times/feelings. If there were any songs that were gonna remind me of how hurtful J treated me and the aftermath of that was; It was gonna be Came Out Swinging or Your Deep Rest or Blow Me Away or When You See My Friends, which I played during the shows J was at, but playing those songs reminded me of a love for my friends that I knew I had but had not remembered until all of us in Blue Shell started laughing about not remembering parts and the cringe lyrics in some of the song, and it was just a very great and humbling experience. I remembered that these are my friends that I love and these are the songs that I made with my friends and this is the thing that we love to do. Whilst the worse thing that J did was rip some of the enjoyment I had for Blue Shell quite a bit, I feel like Sunday I found a new layer to the love I have for my friends and the music we make together that I wouldn't have found otherwise and I'm excited to go to the next Blue Shell shows with Kyra, whom I love and loves me back and who is kind and nice to me.**

**It should be noted here for people like Other Buddy and those readers who find themselves in a similarly hurtful relationship like I did with J, that I am glad things didn't work out. If things would've worked out with her, I would've never reconnected with Kyra, but also my art and life would've suffered. I would've become extremely docile and I would've made mediocre art and I wouldn't have died happy, I would've died complacent. I am also glad because it wouldn't have been fair to you, dear reader, to illustrate the point that life is unpredictable. If there is any lesson I've taken away it is that people want to organize their life into sections and endings. No one wishes for death but one would love it if at some happy point the camera detached from their consciousness and the credits rolled and you didn't have to be yourself anymore, but that is not how life works. Sometimes the happy ending you think you are getting is false, and it falls apart and once again you find yourself to be that same kid that gets asked out as a joke and you have to get up. Sometimes you find that someone that you wrote off for a year is one of the most caring, forgiving, kind, and loving people you'll ever meet. Sometimes you meet the right person only for them to become the wrong person a few years down the line. These are all things I have learned in the past year and a half, and I don't think I would change any part of that - for better or worse.

After practice all of Blue Shell parted ways. The other members went to Omelette Shoppe but I went straight home as I needed another shower (I was sweating like crazy) but I told all of Blue Shell I loved them. I look forward to seeing them on Saturday for the next show, Kyra is going and I think the other guy's girlfriends are going too so she'll have company. I'm really excited.

"When you see my friends, tell them 'Hi' for me,
Tell them what you think about the way you handled everything.
Well the world is full of such pretty things,
So do your best for me."


Goodbye.