It is 7:45 AM; I am listening to Panic World which is a podcast my good buddy Sam recommended. It's been a long week and there is a lot to get into. I do not know if I will get this out on Sunday (it is Sunday whilst writing this introduction) or if it'll take until Monday. I feel slightly warm, yesterday was the 4th of July and I feel like I must take a nice nap with the fan on high to sweat the alcohol out of my system. "sweating the poison out" seems to be some sort of idea I've adopted which is most likely a waste of time. Everyone to some degree would like to lay down and take a nap and be changed in some positive way, I think with this "sweating the poison out" idea, one obtains the hope that is found when a fever breaks during sleep, however this hope is artificial and ultimately pointless as nothing's really changed. Anyway, I'm not trying to say people drink so they can sweat the next day during a nap - I'm just saying it might be a factor in some (specifically me) in an uptick of drinking. I remember when I had covid in 2022 and waking up from a nap to be covered in sweat and finally feeling healthy again, and the joy from feeling better was almost worth having covid in the first place. This obtainment of false hope within "sweating the poison out" may also be an avoidant behavior on my end in regards to losing weight and becoming healthy again. Coming to terms with my uptick in metabolic speed has caused a slight depression and anxiety within my being. Anyway I've exhausted this dumb point; maybe I'm trying to "sweat out the poison" in my annoying faux psychoanalytic writing haha.

On Monday, nothing of note really happened. I saw my buddy Kyle after work to get the keys for Silverdale. Blue Shell is gearing up to release something that is more than a single, which is very exciting. Me and Kyle briefly talked about shows and booking; Blue Shell is excited to begin playing shows again, however all of us have expressed in the band's group chat that we should plan out the thing we're working on's release before scheduling too many shows. Kyle did say he worried that when Blue Shell goes to book shows that Deaththreads will be booked out, preventing Blue Shell from obtaining as many shows. I told Kyle I thought that worry was sweet, but shouldn't worry too much. I have a couple ideas for places to play that I've been waiting for July to pass (as it's been very busy) but I need to kick back up on my messaging of venues. Right now, deaththreads has a show on July 25th, August 8th, and August 15th. I would also like to go that one coffee shop that has the open mics with Caleb one day soon. Anyways, I gave Kyle a hug and left. I read some that evening and then I went to bed.

On Tuesday I watched Amour by Michael Haneke. Amour is my favorite movie by Haneke; as much as I love some of the more philosophical elements within The Seventh Continent and Cache, alongside the incredibly meta works such as The White Ribbon and Code Unknown; Amour is certainly my favorite. Amour is a very necessary story that is told beautifully and I couldn't really think of anything that could've been added to it, Amour is genuinely a perfect film. The scene where George and Anne have a shared laugh as Anne learns how to operate her motorized wheelchair and the single shot that scene possesses in contrast to the same scene towards the end of the movie where George is trying to capture the pigeon with a blanket is harrowing contrast within the same camera angle. The ending to Amour is beautifully tragic. I almost cried while watching Amour, Amour shows an all too similar story that is way too common in the United States. I have mentioned that my grandma died from a heart attack and that my grandfather has had some troubles with this event. One quote I read (that I cannot for the life of me find a source for) about Amour said that "there is hundreds of thousands of stories about falling in love but Amour is a story about 60 years after that falling in love," which I think is quite a good description of the movie. My grandpa did not have to witness my grandma suffer in anyway like the stroke Anne suffers in Amour, which I consider a very good thing however, to have a healthy wife who you have spent your life with to suddenly disappear from your life and have to live on for your children and grandchildren in a world without your life is a separate terrifying trauma.

This event, I believe has caused a destruction towards my grandpa's progress in the Eriksonian stage of "Integrity Versus Despair," in which his being and his ego identity was built into his relationship with my grandma; a possible codependence, however that is purely speculative and there's too many factors I do not know. The reason I point this out isn't to mock or wax poetic about how my life is a Michael Haneke movie or to "show off," but I am very aware that these sorts of conversations and realities are often ignored by couples until it is way too late. For example, me and my dad are convinced that my grandpa was hoping to pass away first and he didn't; This hope was also shared by my grandpa's peer group and their respective wives' passed away first - leaving an existential crisis that these older men do not have the emotional lexicon to really begin to withstand. To quote Roseanne during Dan (her husband)'s heart attack arch within the show, "I've been with Dan since I was 16 years old." This reality is often emphasized to couples when one partner is undergoing a traumatic medical event or has passed on. This depression spreads to other members of the couple's family such as the compassion fatigue and mirrored depression that comes from the children of the alive parent and the similar issues of frustrations regarding the parent's depression and possible lack of progress in healing. Personally, and up until I met K, I had a real aversion to commitment due to the fear of the fact that everything ends and everything living must also die; but one should not fear the joys of a journey out of the sadness of its end.

What I am trying to say in all of this rambling (besides my own emotional exhalation through this passage) is that conversations of aging and death need to be had both in platonic and romantic need to be have both for easing legal processes and wishes being upheld for those who pass and to help ease emotional pain rather than ignored. The truth is we're all going to die and a large majority of us want to help our loved ones to heal over time, that when we are remembered it is in a happy reflective state of mind rather than a depressing anecdote in a world of horrifically depressing anecdotes. Western considerations of death and aging are often negative and the ignorance of these issues only creates more problems in our families and relationships.

After work, I spent some time with K. Me and her had a great time together, we got some food and relaxed for the evening. Me and her laid in bed and I thought about what a nice moment it was. In Parmenides by Plato, I heard a line along the lines of "what is a moment to a day," and moments within days are just that - singular moments are contained within collective days. These moments typically range from negative to neutral to positive and that whole spectrum of emotions, although while laying with K, I acknowledged it was a positive and special moment. I love K a lot and she's the lady I want to spend my moments and days with.

On Wednesday, I went to church with my grandma. I drove to her (my grandma)'s house after work and I ate some hot wings and then I cleaned up their computer. I wasn't too sure what was actually wrong with the computer but I just cleared off some random data left behind so hopefully that helped. At around 7PM my grandma and I went to church and I had a very good time. It was nice and I liked everyone there so the fellowship was very nice. I don't really remember the lesson, but me and my grandma had a swell time.

Thursday was my last day before I was off work for the holiday weekend. I listened to Aristotle's De Anima; which I thought was very beautiful - however I do need to listen or read it again to get a better idea. I thought there were certainly some interesting ideas that I would like to dwell more on. The only thing that I can really recall (except for the basic premise ideas within the text) is that there is a fairly good interesting creepypasta called ".anima," which I have linked here. At lunch time I witnessed a rather intense confrontation between a restaurant employee and an old man with a bag of clothes who used some rather explicit language that seemed unfounded towards the employee. I felt bad so I gave the employee a cash tip, I just hope the old man didn't ruin the employee's day. The employee handled it well and remained calm, which I didn't tell them because they probably didn't care about my opinion; what I will say is that I hope the employee didn't spend the rest of the day talking about what they (the employee) should've said. What I have found is that the actual HR-PR-approved thing you actually say is most likely better than the blunt thing you would want to say. That's just my personal thoughts to help prevent those dwelling problems. Anyways, I went home and I played some Minecraft until I went to bed.

On Friday, I spent my morning reading and playing guitar. I did this until about 1 PM, when I decided to take a nap. I woke up at about 3 PM and I went to K's house. Me and her were getting ready for a show that evening at Jimmie's Place. The show was one that I helped get the bands on. Me and K got Wendy's prior to the show, they no longer sell the jalapeno burger at Wendy's which caused me a great deal of psychic pain. I got a spicy chicken sandwich instead, which was decent. Me and K went to Jimmie's Place and ate whilst watching some old Minecraft Trolling videos. Shortly after our arrival, the other bands showed up. We all went into the bar and got our stuff set up and all was good. My buddy Ian arrived and I was very grateful to see him. K's friend arrived too, which I thought was nice since I wanted K to have a friend. K was also boiling due to the heat, so she (K) spent some time near the air conditioner. The band were: Me as deaththreads, The Apurna Project, by the deed, and Angel Massacre. I was very excited to see all of these bands, and at about 9 PM I started my set.

I played my unspecified space guitar that I got a while ago. I played a fairly alright set, I played the songs that people liked. My buddy Ryan was supposed to be at this show, however, he ended up not having cash to go in (it was a free show but there was a miscommunication due to a sign that said "5 dollar cover charge" that been left out) anyways I saw a text message from him while playing and I asked over the mic about if there was a cover charge and the sign and once my set was over the sign was there but then it disappeared. Anyways, I guess something with that and playing my song "Ralston" offset something in my psychology related to my set as I ended up playing some of the newer sadder songs. I introduced one of them as "alright I'm going to play some songs about how we're all going to die," which caused a couple to instantly walk out of the stage room, which I thought was funny and honestly I can't blame them for. Anyway, I played a fine 30-minute set with some of my good songs, but overall the show was ultimately for the other bands; which I was okay with. People really did enjoy my songs and Ian said I played a good set which was nice of him and then Ryan (my friend) turned around and said hi to me, which I thought was sweet. Anyways shortly after this, the band The Apurna Project played.

The Apurna Project is a very nice and cool rock band. They remind me of early Front Bottoms recordings, my favorite song by The Apurna Project is a new song that isn't out yet called Spiders. Nick is a very swell fellow, is very good at stage banter and says some funny things in the microphone which I thought was funny. Their set was overall very good. I have linked their music here.

By the deed was next to play and they were one of the best Hardcore bands I've seen ever. The lead vocalist was awesome alongside the other band's other members. The band was a leftist hxc band that I really appreciated and they put a lot of important thoughts into all of our heads. They were very great at what they did and I seriously recommend their new ep. I have linked this album here.

Angel Massacre was the last band to play and I was so excited to see them. I had asked for them specifically as they are a really great black metal band from North Carolina. Their guitarist Jeremy is a nice guy alongside his wife Nicole and their vocalist Jordan. Their set was badass and me, Ian, and Sam really enjoyed the music. We're all black metals fans and each member really kicked ass playing their instrument. They have two albums which I also really good, I have linked their website here.

K was not as big of a black metal fan as everyone else was - which was perfectly fine; she stayed for AM's set and showed support even though she was burning up. I realized she was burning so I took her to the car and blasted the air whilst I said my goodbyes to everyone. I said my byes and gratitudes to the other bands - I expressed to Angel Massacre's members about setting up another black metal show in the future one day - which I would like to do since there are certainly some good black metal bands around. From here, me and K went home and we both showered and went to bed.

Me and K woke up at about 7:20 AM on Saturday. K's birthday is on Tuesday, however we had been planning on driving up to Huntington for a tattoo appointment she scheduled. This appointment ended up being cancelled during the night. K was upset about this, which is understandable, however, she came to find out that about an hour or two before me and her woke up - our rat Spooky had died.

K went to check in on the rats and she said "Awh, are you sleeping," and both me and K instantly knew. Spooky was in a hammock with his brother Ghost, Spooky had passed in his sleep. Me and K's hearts were both broken; her's definitely moreso. I knew I had to take care of K and provide her with as much sympathy and care as possible. I held her while she cried and I helped take care of Spooky's body. Me and her painted his paws to print them on paper. We put Spooky in the hammock and then we checked in on Ghost. Rats need to be raised in pairs, which causes a large amount of stress on the alive rat when one rat in the pair dies. Me and K went to my mom's house to bury Spooky. Me and K both calmed down and me and her talked along the ride; I told her about the movie Amour, and me and her both shed a few tears at the ideas the movie presents. She and I had some good conversations during our car ride.

Me and K arrived at my mom's house and we buried Spooky. I began digging near the same tree and spot where I had buried the rabbit a couple weeks ago. K spent some time with Spooky, I'm unsure if she talked to him or just petted him or spent time in the sun with him - it's really for me or you to know what she did, as it was just her and Spooky's final time together. Once the hole was dug, me and K buried Spooky in his hammock. K put the first bits of dirt and I made sure that the dirt was tamped in. I was dripping sweat from the physical effort of digging. Me and K threw the empty box we housed his body into our fire pit. I didn't mention this in the previous paragraph, but whilst me and K were printing Spooky's paw, me and K heard a rat squeaking noise that most definitely didn't come from Ghost (Ghost isn't much of a talker or noise maker, whilst Spooky was). I think me and K would both like to believe Spooky's ghost was keeping an eye on us. Me and K ended up spending some time with my mom which was nice and K also spent some time with my cats and dog, which I think helped K a lot. Me and K and my mom got Subway and me and K then went to her house to nap. It had started thundering while me and her were asleep. I woke up and consoled K a little bit as she was still upset, however me and her decided she was going to talk to her friend about rehoming Ghost or keeping him. I know with my heart K will make the correct decision as she is a very smart and caring lady.

When I first began writing songs, I wanted to capture that sort of undercurrent of sadness that is present in everyday life; This is how songs like World's Best Dad came along. I'm sure there's other examples in my lyrics, but the only clear example of this sadness I can think of is a "This Is My Chemo Mug, I Will Smash It When This Is Over" being found (unbroken) in a Goodwill. This sort of sadness is that "used baby shoes; never worn" sadness that Hemingway used. Whilst this sadness can be found, I believe my songwriting or maybe more specifically my writing goal has begun to seek out something more positive or motivational or beneficial to others in my work. For example, my song Ativan Halen from Socialist Book Club is about my parent's divorce and comparing it to a similar relationship I was in at the time and pointing out the sorts of similar microcosms people find themselves in to their parents and it's one example of me pointing out something that I see that goes undiscussed and providing my viewpoint. Anyway, I could wax poetic about my own writing forever but there is something I would like to highlight.

"song for ur dog" from my last album is an earnest attempt for me to express that sort of sadness I felt during the disillusionment of my last big relationship that stemmed from the horrific loss of my ex's dog from cancer. Pet death is something I have written about more than once, not just lyrically but also a passage from Telepathic Judas (linked here.) about my first dog Abie. Pets occupy a very important part in our lives. The owner and pet relationship is ever important as it is a relationship that brings joy to lots of people and animals alike to those who put in the effort to take care of their animals. When it comes to those early pet and owner relationships, in which a child grows up with an animal there are many important lessons children learn whilst raising an animal. However, one of the primary notings that should be considered is that the psychological view can be seen in the midst of the loss of a pet. Attitudes towards death and aging can be gleaned from these pet owner relationships, and I think to speak on the previous sections, it is important to teach children about the issues of quality of life when such tragic pet losses occur. This also opens up other dialogues about end-of-life care that can provide important lessons to children later on down the line. This portion of the blog may seem to come out left field, but I felt it important to the blog. For these negative events can be turned into positive, but I believe that the ignorance of these different conversations are ignored due to the heaviness and can only live on in depressing anecdotes. There is a connection between human death and animal death; the owner who cries at the dog who stops eating and the bird who comes to the nest to see a hawk has captured it's eggs; the suburban house with a sick cat and the desert with a starving gazelle all seem to be connected but at this moment I do not know how but I feel this observation is somewhat important.

Once I came home on Saturday (about 5PM), I ended up watching some Matt Orchard videos about John Edwards and Anthony Weiner; which seemed fitting for the Fourth of July. I am not much of a political person (mostly because I'm 23 and dumb) but there are some messed up things in our current climate that I don't feel really qualified to talk about.

It is now 9:53 PM. I plan on posting this blog and going to bed. I went to church with my grandma and I enjoyed spending time with her. I went home and I took a nap as I was so tired. I recorded with Blue Shell and it was nice to see everyone. I hope everyone had a good fourth of July and this blog provided something to think about.

"This is Goodnight and Not Goodbye."

- Linger, Traditional Folk Song